New Rule: [slide of various young male pop singers] The producers of this weekend's Grammy Awards must acknowledge the latest pop music trend by creating a new Grammy category: Best Male Vocalist With a Lesbian Haircut.
New Rule: In order to reduce the anti-Americanism caused by our drone strikes, from now on, the drones must play the same song as the ice cream truck. [sound of ice cream truck jingle] Sure, we're still going to rain fire on them from the sky, but at least now their last thought will be, "Ooh, ice cream!"
New Rule: If you were really upset that kids had to see Beyonce wearing that skimpy outfit at the Super Bowl, then I have to warn you about an even scarier place called "the beach." [slide of young people in revealing swimwear]
New Rule: [slide of new high-tech dress] The designer of the new Intimacy 2.0 sensor dress that turns transparent when the wearer gets sexually aroused...has to think it through a little more. I know you imagine your date getting horny, and suddenly she's practically naked. But, what's going to happen is she'll see a sale on shoes, and everybody at Nordstrom's will get to see her tits.
New Rule: [slide of Richard III computer facial reconstruction] If you're going to take the skeletal remains of Richard III and recreate what his face would have looked like, it can't look like a lesbian judge Obama wants to nominate for the Supreme Court. I'm sorry, but this doesn't say, "A horse! My kingdom for a horse!" It says, "Has anyone seen my cat?"
And finally, New Rule: Now that he's suing me for $5 million, because he says he's proved that he is not the love child of an orangutan, Donald Trump must learn two things: what a joke is, and what a contract is.
Now...let me catch you up on how all this got started. During the last week of the presidential campaign last year, Donald Trump, who previously had been a one-issue candidate obsessed with Obama's birth certificate, announced that he would give $5 million to charity if Obama produced his college records. Because "a black guy getting into college? Something fishy there."
So, playing on the fact that the only other thing in nature with the same color hair as Trump's, is the orange-haired orangutan...[side by side slides]
I joked that Donald Trump needed to show me HIS papers to prove HE wasn't hiding a bad secret about HIS birth. This is known as "parody," and it's a form of something we in the comedy business call "a joke."
Naturally, I also "aped" -- if you will --Trump's offer of money to a charity of his choosing, which I identified as the Hair Club for Men.
Really? We're going to court about this? Well, this upset the Donald so much they could barely get him to stop flinging his feces.
Now, public figures, of course, don't always like everything that's said about them. But, that's how we roll here in America. Just like we're the "gun" country, we're the "joke" country. We love our free speech, and we love celebrities getting taken down a peg. So, Don, just suck it up like everybody else!
But, no. No...not Trump. His lawyer sent me a letter -- I sh** you not, this is real--[slide of lawyer's letter]--his lawyer sent me a letter that says -- and I quote: "Attached hereto is a copy of Mr. Trump's birth certificate demonstrating that he is the son of Fred Trump and not an orangutan."
Do these morons even know it's impossible for people and apes to produce offspring?! And look at the lawyer's signature. It just kind of trails off as if to say, "I'm too embarrassed to even finish this. "Scott S. oh-f**k-it-I'm-Trump's-lawyer."
So, I ignored the letter, like I ignore all letters I get from crazy people. And I forgot about the whole thing until this week when Trump and his lawyer, pictured here--[slide of chimp and phone]--when they actually sued me for the five million.
And, don't forget, this is not a libel case. No, no, they seem to be trying to set a bold, new precedent that jokes on late-night talk shows are now legally-binding agreements between the comedian and the person they're making fun of. Yes, I'm sure this'll go all the way to the Supreme Court.
You know, I'll tell you something. The legal system in this country, it's not a joke. It's not a toy for rich idiots to play with.
And, frankly, Mr. Balber, what you released raises more questions than it answers. [slide of birth certificate] At least it does to a growing chorus of patriotic Americans who call ourselves "apers." And we're just asking questions!
Questions like, well, here's what you put out. It's the short form certification of live birth, not a birth certificate. It was clearly made on a dot-matrix computer and it includes a scan-able bar code, two technologies that were hardly around in 1946.
Where's the original, long-form certificate? Because a short-form copy of a birth certificate unsigned by an attending physician isn't proof of anything.
You know who I learned that from? I learned that from Donald--"But I'm white!"--Trump! Who would not accept the exact same document from the president.
But, remember who we're dealing with here. A man who, for a little extra publicity, will happily keep alive a debate over whether his family reunions are held at the zoo.
If you were really upset that kids had to see Beyoncé wearing that skimpy outfit at the Super Bowl, then I have to warn you about an even scarier place called "the beach."
February 8, 2013