New Rule: [slide of Sly Stallone in 'Bullet to the Head'] If you're still ripped like this at age 66, you have to write a letter of apology to your testicles. Sly, I'm not saying you're not in great shape. I'm saying even Lance Armstrong looked at this and goes, "Oh, come on."
New Rule: [slide of toilet paper with illustration of baby on packaging] Stop trying to sell toilet paper with pictures of the only humans who don't use it. And also, who needs toilet paper strong enough to wipe a bear's a**? [slide of TP with "bear" on packaging]
New Rule: Now that he's been linked to physical altercations with Rihanna, Drake and Frank Ocean, Chris Brown has to tell me if he has plans to beat the sh** out of everybody in my iPod. Tell me now, Chris, so I can warn Steely Dan.
New Rule: In honor of Jim Nabors coming out of the closet at age 82 and marrying his longtime partner, from now on the act of two men engaged in oral-genital stimulation will be known as the "Shazam!" Now, I can't say that I'm "surprised, surprised, surprised!" by the announcement, but it sure helps explain my old lunchbox. [slide of Gomer Pyle lunchbox with illustration of Gomer squirting water into garbage can and having it splash back on Sgt. Carter]
That's real. And why Sgt. Carter is so mad that Gomer sprays in his face when he just wanted him to spray in his can.
New Rule: [slide of "shaman"] I don't care if you are a Tuvan shaman and a member of the Russian Spirit of the Bear Society. Don't wear a dead bird on your head. People won't call you a "mystic intermediary between the human and spirit worlds." They'll call you "The Donald." [slide of Donald Trump]
And finally, New Rule: Liberals have to stop gloating about Sarah Palin getting dumped by Fox News. Even though it happened less than a day after Bobby Jindal told his fellow Republicans to -- quote -- "Stop being the stupid party." That's just a coincidence. A wonderful, hilarious coincidence.
Yes, it's true. Sarah Palin left Fox News this week. But, don't worry about Sarah. She's like a cat. She always lands on her feet. And she's easily distracted by a laser pointer.
And she sh**s in a box in the kitchen.
And, Sarah, I know you're fond of saying, "When God closes a door, he opens a window." It's a quote from your favorite philosopher, the needlepoint pillow on your couch.
And it makes me think of this guy. [slide of Glenn Beck] He got fired from Fox News, too. But, did he curl up into a ball and weep like a baby? Of course he did. This is Glenn Beck we're talking about.
But, then he saw "an open window." The Internet. Who needs Fox News when he could take his patented brand of apocalyptic race-baiting directly to the fans who now pay $9.95 a month to hear Glenn. Cheaper than a case of their favorite wine.
And, boy, I tell you, that $9.95 really adds up. Last year, Glenn Beck made $80 million! Placing him eleventh on the Forbes list of the highest-paid celebrities, tied with Elton John. Who sang at the wedding of someone else on the list: Rush Limbaugh.
[slide of Limbaugh house interior] Who lives in a house that Elton John would call "too gay." I mean, who has clouds painted on their ceiling? I'll tell you who: con men. And con men like Rush and Beck are one reason the Republicans are in such dire straits today. Because they don't care about winning elections. They care about separating rubes from their money.
They've discovered there's a fortune to be made by keeping a small portion of America under the illusion that they are always under attack: from Mexicans or ACORN or Planned Parenthood, or gays or "takers," global warming hoaxers.
It doesn't matter. They don't want a majority. They want a mailing list, a list of the kind of gullible 'Honey Boo Boos" out there who think that there's a "war on Christmas," and that the socialist policies of our Kenyan president have been so disastrous so disastrous that the end of the world is coming.
I'm not exaggerating. Go to any right-wing website and you'll see ads for "prepper bags" and "water purifiers" and "Survival Seeds"....also known as "seeds."
And, for years, Beck, Hannity and other radio hosts endorsed Gold Line, a company that sells gold coins to frightened, old people for twice what they're worth. Why not just hogtie your audience and steal their disability checks? After all, we are talking about people who will spend actual money on a children's book by a fat adulterer and a peroxide blonde from another dimension. [slide of Newt Gingrich and his wife at book signing]
Glenn Beck has only 300,000 subscribers, so they'll never be a majority. But, it doesn't matter. Maybe they can only vote once every two years, but they can buy the same book every three weeks...[slides of right-wing books by Beck, Hannity, Coulter, etc.]...the exact same book over and over and over again.
I don't know why being a Republican means needing to have your faith recharged five times a day like Dick Cheney's heart. Because there's no comparable industry on the left devoted to separating liberals from their cash. I mean, unless you count Whole Foods.
Sarah Palin left Fox News this week. But, don't worry about Sarah. She's like a cat. She always lands on her feet. And she's easily distracted by a laser pointer.
February 1, 2013