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New Rules

New Rule: Someone who knows French history has to tell me why Russell Crowe wears the same hat in 'Les Miz' that Britney Spears wore in "Toxic." "Javert" is supposed to represent the law at its most heartless. This makes him look like he's two guys short of making Rice Krispies.

You can't represent the crushing power of the state and wear a funny hat, unless you're Scalia. [slide of Justice Scalia]

New Rule: Scientists have to explain why the lithium batteries in the Boeing Dreamliner are so dangerous it's not allowed to fly, but the lithium batteries in the cell phone that sits inches from my testicles all day is nothing to worry about.

New Rule: If you're the face of the Democratic Party in the Senate [slides of Harry Reid] that face shouldn't always say, "My dog just died." Or, "Yup, you got me there." Or, "Dammit, I suck at this."

Seriously, Harry, if you're too old for this sh**, just have your face say, "I'm too old for this sh**."

New Rule: If you're an American, and English is your first language, and they still have to subtitle you when you speak English, you have to go back to English class. Look, "Swamp People," I'm all for regional accents. What I'm not for is wondering what kind of weird, backwoods coupling left you born without a tongue.

New Rule: The media must give President Obama a few more days before they start covering the 2016 presidential race! Yikes! They're already speculating about Biden and Hillary. I mean, come on. Even Taylor Swift gives a guy a little more time than that. And why is she America's Sweetheart? She's 17, and she's gone out with more men than Joan Crawford!

And finally, New Rule: America needs to show it's the home of the brave by acting like it. Did you know that the defense budget of the United States is bigger than the defense budgets of the next 13 countries combined? Most of whom are allies and none of whom are enemies.

So, let me ask you, if a guy on your block was so frightened of mostly non-existent prowlers that he spent all his resources on alarm systems and guns and cameras, so much so that he didn't even have enough money left to maintain his home or send his kids to college, would you call him "brave?"

Well...tonight, I'd like to take a few minutes to try and answer that question and find out just how we became such a nation of d**kless, armchair warriors. Starting with the story of the football hero who last night attempted to explain himself to Katie Couric, and even after years of taking vicious hits to the head, still answered her questions better than Sarah Palin did.

But, what puzzles me is not the scandal of whether he lied, but the relationship itself. Oh, sure, what Manti had sounds attractive: a time-consuming, virtual relationship where you get to talk endlessly with your girlfriend without those "annoying breaks for sex."

But, doesn't it say something about the state of our manhood that this primal warrior never even had sex? Because his girlfriend only existed in "fairyland."  And, sadder still, why was this dumb jock such a hero to so many men in the first place? Grown-a** men who were "let down by him."

Red-blooded American males whose mood on Saturdays is dependent on how well a 20-year-old kid tackles a 19-year-old kid. Middle-aged guys who wear replica jerseys with the name and number of their favorite boyfriend -- I mean, player. Guys who get in fights with other guys in other replica jerseys over whose 20-year-old is better.

Is the relationship American men have with their sports heroes really any less weird than the one Manti had with his girlfriend? Guys sitting on the couch all day watching some figures on a screen toss around a dot? You're not a fan, you're a cat!

The problem of our masculinity is apparently so acute that the pharmaceutical companies are now selling a pill to remedy a new affliction called "Low T," or "low testosterone," the symptoms being moodiness, a reduced sex drive, and extra hair growing around your vagina.

I mean, Christ, first they invented boner pills for men who wanted to f**k but couldn't. Now we need a pill to make you want to f**k in the first place!

Yes, I think men are in trouble when you have to juice like Lance Armstrong just to get through your anniversary.

And I think it's because a lot of men today just aren't feeling all that useful. They did in the days of hunter-gatherers, but in today's society, women do the hunting and the gathering. It's called shopping.

And the men, for most of us, the most masculine thing we do all day is pee standing up.

And that's why we wind up idolizing other men who do the masculine things we're not doing: football players, soldiers, action stars who solve every problem with violence. [slide of George Bush] Tough guys who start wars for no reason. Generals who conquer ragtag armies from third world countries...these are the vessels of our outsourced masculinity.

Why do men collect guns? You know, former Georgia Senator Zell Miller once said, "I've got more guns than I need, but not as many as I want." Well, the Pentagon is just Zell Miller on a larger scale, with shoes on.

It has more guns than it needs, but not as many as it wants. And I know some of you out there are saying, "Oh, now that's some liberal bullsh** right there, calling guns a replacement for testosterone." But, if that's not true, how come, as a man gets older, his gun always gets bigger? [slides of posters for early and current Arnold Schwarzenegger films]

Is the relationship American men have with their sports heroes really any less weird than the one Manti had with his girlfriend?

Episode 269

January 25, 2013