New Rule: Someone who knows French history has to tell me why Russell Crowe wears the same hat in 'Les Miz' that Britney Spears wore in "Toxic." "Javert" is supposed to represent the law at its most heartless. This makes him look like he's two guys short of making Rice Krispies.
You can't represent the crushing power of the state and wear a funny hat, unless you're Scalia. [slide of Justice Scalia]
New Rule: Scientists have to explain why the lithium batteries in the Boeing Dreamliner are so dangerous it's not allowed to fly, but the lithium batteries in the cell phone that sits inches from my testicles all day is nothing to worry about.
New Rule: If you're the face of the Democratic Party in the Senate [slides of Harry Reid] that face shouldn't always say, "My dog just died." Or, "Yup, you got me there." Or, "Dammit, I suck at this."
Seriously, Harry, if you're too old for this sh**, just have your face say, "I'm too old for this sh**."
New Rule: If you're an American, and English is your first language, and they still have to subtitle you when you speak English, you have to go back to English class. Look, "Swamp People," I'm all for regional accents. What I'm not for is wondering what kind of weird, backwoods coupling left you born without a tongue.
New Rule: The media must give President Obama a few more days before they start covering the 2016 presidential race! Yikes! They're already speculating about Biden and Hillary. I mean, come on. Even Taylor Swift gives a guy a little more time than that. And why is she America's Sweetheart? She's 17, and she's gone out with more men than Joan Crawford!