New Rule: [slide of Tommy Lee Jones at Golden Globes] When it comes to being a comedy audience member, you don't have to drink the Kool-Aid, but Tommy Lee Jones, don't be drinking the "Hater-Ade." Here we see Tommy at the Golden Globes apparently just moments after he found out that Will Ferrell was dating his mom. Tommy, there's a reason why this picture went viral. I know you were great in "Lincoln," but the last person who had less fun in a theater WAS Lincoln.
New Rule: Unless Lance Armstrong is confessing to killing Natalie Wood, I don't give a sh**. About either. And now that we know that Oprah is the place we must go to confess our most shameful secrets, Oprah must start wearing a collar and having sex with young boys. [slide of Oprah wearing priest's collar]
New Rule: Now that the practice of shaving your pubic hair has become so widespread that crabs are an endangered species, people must start referring to their genitals as "wireless providers."
And I think that's progress. Look, I love animals--you know that--but don't ask me to be sad that pubic lice are going extinct. I'm just glad pubes weren't hiding the snowy owl or the snail darter. And I sure don't miss the old days when "down there" looked like the top three-eighths of Dr. Cornel West. [slide of Cornel West's hair]
New Rule: The next L.A. weather person to describe Southern California temperatures dipping into the 40s as an "Arctic blast," must go to the actual Arctic. Thanks, weather lady, but I'll judge how cold it is the way I always do: by looking at your nipples.
New Rule: Stop telling me to watch "Downton Abbey." Oh, please. It didn't change your life. You were already white. And if I wanted to start caring about a boring, white stiff, his saucer-eyed wife, his interchangeable children and his mansion full of slaves, I would have voted for Mitt Romney!
New Rule: Whoever says "Photobombing" is just for humans has to tell this guy. [slide of photo of dog adds insert (photobomb) of another dog's goofy face] That's real.