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New Rules

New Rule: [slide of Tommy Lee Jones at Golden Globes] When it comes to being a comedy audience member, you don't have to drink the Kool-Aid, but Tommy Lee Jones, don't be drinking the "Hater-Ade." Here we see Tommy at the Golden Globes apparently just moments after he found out that Will Ferrell was dating his mom. Tommy, there's a reason why this picture went viral. I know you were great in "Lincoln," but the last person who had less fun in a theater WAS Lincoln.

New Rule: Unless Lance Armstrong is confessing to killing Natalie Wood, I don't give a sh**. About either. And now that we know that Oprah is the place we must go to confess our most shameful secrets, Oprah must start wearing a collar and having sex with young boys. [slide of Oprah wearing priest's collar]

New Rule: Now that the practice of shaving your pubic hair has become so widespread that crabs are an endangered species, people must start referring to their genitals as "wireless providers."

And I think that's progress. Look, I love animals--you know that--but don't ask me to be sad that pubic lice are going extinct. I'm just glad pubes weren't hiding the snowy owl or the snail darter. And I sure don't miss the old days when "down there" looked like the top three-eighths of Dr. Cornel West. [slide of Cornel West's hair]

New Rule: The next L.A. weather person to describe Southern California temperatures dipping into the 40s as an "Arctic blast," must go to the actual Arctic. Thanks, weather lady, but I'll judge how cold it is the way I always do: by looking at your nipples.

New Rule: Stop telling me to watch "Downton Abbey." Oh, please. It didn't change your life. You were already white. And if I wanted to start caring about a boring, white stiff, his saucer-eyed wife, his interchangeable children and his mansion full of slaves, I would have voted for Mitt Romney!

New Rule: Whoever says "Photobombing" is just for humans has to tell this guy. [slide of photo of dog adds insert (photobomb) of another dog's goofy face] That's real.

And finally, New Rule: Someone has to tell America's gun nuts to stop wetting their Army surplus pants about losing the Second Amendment. It's not your Second Amendment rights that are under the attack, it's all the other ones.

It used to be that law enforcement couldn't search you without probable cause. But, now we're becoming a quasi-police state where one minute you're home quietly reading Fifty Shades of Grey, and suddenly there's a SWAT team in your living room waving guns. And you're going, "No, no, Katt Williams lives NEXT door!"

Now...last month, while no one was taking anyone's gun from anybody, the Senate voted overwhelmingly to re-authorize a program where they can collect data on any American citizen and hold onto it forever. They can look at your emails, your texts, your Skypes, and not a peep out of the crowd that's always b**ching about what the framers intended.

In fact, the answer from almost everyone seems to be, "Oh, what the hell? The airport screeners have already seen my a** anyway."

The Facebook generation especially doesn't seem to care that "Big Brother" knows everything about you, what books you read, what movies you watch, your Match.com account, your other Match.com account when you're feeling a little freaky and want to meet the sort of woman your regular Match.com account wouldn't approve of.

Call me "old school," but I don't want the feds Googling what I'm Googling. It's bad enough when Netflix pries into my private life. "You watched 'The Walking Dead' and 'Zombieland.' You might also like this interview with John McCain."

I don't want the government doing that! "You downloaded this article favoring the legalization of marijuana. You might also like...being incarcerated."

You know, they always say these programs are just to catch terrorists. The next thing you know, they're using them to shut down the pot dispensaries. And that place was right on my way home! Now, I've got to go to Valley Village.

Doesn't anyone care that this is the "new normal"? I guess not, because gun nuts don't care, and neither do liberals. When Bush did warrantless wiretapping, "Oh, he was wiping his a** with the Constitution!" But, when Obama does it, "Oh, well, whatever helps Jessica Chastain find Bin Laden...We're good with that."

Yeah, both parties compete mightily to appear to be the greater champion of our freedoms. But the only thing that still has bipartisan support in Washington is not giving a sh** about privacy. And when you talk to the NRA types, as I like to do down at my local Moose Lodge, they actually believe that what protects their rights isn't laws or courts. It's that they have a gun. They think that's what keeps the government from going too far.

Without guns, Obama would become an emperor and force everyone to gay marry. But, he can't, because a guy in Kentucky named Skeeter has a .22.

Except that, you know, while you guys were buying guns to protect your other guns, sittin' up on the porch there waitin' for Obama's "Negro Army" to come confiscate your weapons and go all "Django Unchained" on your a**! That's when we lost all the stuff in the Bill of Rights about trials and juries and warrants.

You see, the Red Coats, they never wanted your gun. They wanted your liberty. And that's why the founding fathers said you could have the gun, dumb-a**! And now the only right we have left is the guns, and nothing left to use the guns to protect!

We're like a strip club with a million bouncers and no strippers!

Stop telling me to watch "Downton Abbey." Oh, please. It didn't change your life. You were already white.

Episode 268

January 18, 2013