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New Rules

New Rule: Someone must explain to General Petraeus that just because you're wearing camouflage while getting blown, people can still see you!

New Rule: Now that we've learned so much about General Petraeus, General Allen and everybody else involved in this mess, every nation must acknowledge that when we say we have the greatest f**king military in the world...we mean, "We have the greatest f**king military in the world."

New Rule: [slide of man with Romney symbol face tattoo] Someone has to explain to the guy with the Romney face tattoo that even if Mitt had been elected and he had created 12 million new jobs, none of them are going to a guy with a face tattoo.

I like the white chin studs, too, because real zits are so hard to maintain. But, you know what? If you find yourself saying to your stylist, "Make me look like The Situation, only less classy," there is no election that can change your life.

New Rule: Everyone needs to calm the f**k down. Authorities say Holly Solomon ran over her husband with a Jeep because he did not vote for Romney. Although, when I read, "Angry Wife Runs Down Husband with Jeep," thought this Petraeus thing just keeps getting crazier.

And this is one partisan woman. She says she would have backed up and ran over her husband, but who can afford to with Obama's gas prices?

New Rule: [slide of Playboy cover with Marilyn Monroe] Playboy magazine must stop trying to make me horny for a woman who would be 86 years old if she weren't, you know, dead. Yes, gentlemen prefer blondes, but even more than that, a pulse. "Some Like it Breathing."

If death comes with any perks at all, one of them has got to be guys stop j**king off on your picture.

And finally, New Rule: Now that he's been re-elected, President Obama must get back at all those right-wing hacks who tried to paint him as an angry black man pushing a liberal agenda...by becoming an angry black man who's pushing a liberal agenda.

Now, I have been mostly holding my tongue about the president this past season, because I didn't want to muddy the waters in a country where you only get two choices. But, Mister President, there are two ways to look at your 51%-48% victory. One, is we love you. The other is we like you three percent better than Mitt Romney.

And, by the way, let us never speak that name again. "Mitt."

Let it be a dark and buries memory of a close call with a creature equal parts pure evil and excellent posture. Like getting dry-humped in a crowded subway by Roger Moore.

No, I like this president. And all those secret strategy meetings we had with me and him and George Soros and the new Black Panthers...I found him to be very agreeable, "Allah be praised."

But, it is now the job of progressives to hold his feet to the fire for causes important to us. If not now, when? There's no third term, Mister President, so you might as well throw caution to the wind. Because it's not like we're using it to produce energy.

Yes, clean energy, that's just one of many issues, like civil liberties, the drug war, the drone war, the war-war, gun control, that have been on my mind these last four years. And let's just say I have been waiting to exhale. And, by that I mean I've been holding my nose.

But, you're free now. With no more elections to win, you are free to never again have to kiss the a** of coal miners and say the words "clean coal." There is no such thing. There is no such thing as "clean coal." It's like saying "Internet privacy" or "Tea Party intellectual." Or "Fox News journalist."

Another priority should be cutting the defense budget. We're the home of the brave. Let's prove it by getting by with one less submarine. Yes, we were involved in a struggle against a radical enemy bent on our destruction. But the election is over. And we need to recognize that America has the same problem with the defense budget that Mrs. Petraeus has with her husband's penis. It's swollen and we can't bring ourselves to touch it.

And as far as Afghanistan goes, I know you said we're leaving in 2014, but look at it this way: enemies are always on guard for a surprise attack, but they would never suspect a surprise retreat. Really, we can leave right away, because we have figured out something the Afghans haven't: air travel.

And as long as we're ending wars, how about the war on drugs? Two states, Colorado and Washington, have actually legalized pot now, which gives you, as president, the rare opportunity to improve the world by doing absolutely nothing. Just tell Eric Holder to stay the hell out of Boulder. And if the conservatives b**ch about it, throw states' rights back in their face.

Isn't that their big theme? "Send it back to the states," "the will of the people?" Well, this is the people...who, in those two states, on election day, got up off the couch and drove their 1987 Toyota Tercel with the "Visualize World Peace" bumper sticker on the back to the polls, and voted to stop the drug war. And then drove home and got back on the couch.

And finally, instead of rewriting Social Security, how about rewriting the Patriot Act? How about another look at rendition and warrantless searches, and wiretaps? And how about stop listening in on our phone calls and reading our emails? I'm not a teenager and you're not my mom, okay?

And, besides, there is a much better way to confirm your suspicions that I'm smoking weed and hanging around with the wrong people: just watch the show!

Mister President, there are two ways to look at your 51%-48% victory. One, is we love you. The other is we like you three percent better than Mitt Romney.

Episode 267

November 16, 2012