New Rule: Someone must explain to General Petraeus that just because you're wearing camouflage while getting blown, people can still see you!
New Rule: Now that we've learned so much about General Petraeus, General Allen and everybody else involved in this mess, every nation must acknowledge that when we say we have the greatest f**king military in the world...we mean, "We have the greatest f**king military in the world."
New Rule: [slide of man with Romney symbol face tattoo] Someone has to explain to the guy with the Romney face tattoo that even if Mitt had been elected and he had created 12 million new jobs, none of them are going to a guy with a face tattoo.
I like the white chin studs, too, because real zits are so hard to maintain. But, you know what? If you find yourself saying to your stylist, "Make me look like The Situation, only less classy," there is no election that can change your life.
New Rule: Everyone needs to calm the f**k down. Authorities say Holly Solomon ran over her husband with a Jeep because he did not vote for Romney. Although, when I read, "Angry Wife Runs Down Husband with Jeep," thought this Petraeus thing just keeps getting crazier.
And this is one partisan woman. She says she would have backed up and ran over her husband, but who can afford to with Obama's gas prices?
New Rule: [slide of Playboy cover with Marilyn Monroe] Playboy magazine must stop trying to make me horny for a woman who would be 86 years old if she weren't, you know, dead. Yes, gentlemen prefer blondes, but even more than that, a pulse. "Some Like it Breathing."
If death comes with any perks at all, one of them has got to be guys stop j**king off on your picture.