New Rule: Now that the election is over, Mitt Romney's Etch A Sketch must be treated for exhaustion. Its face is cracked, its knobs are chafed, and its backside has just had too many things pulled out of it.
New Rule: Now that we know all of Nate Silver's election predictions were right and based on facts, and all of Fox News' election predictions were wrong and based on a tingly feeling Sean Hannity gets in his taint...from now on, when Fox News reports on anything of consequence, they have to keep cutting away to a shot of Sarah Palin winking.
New Rule: Americans must help Ted Nugent fulfill his destiny. Last April, Ted predicted that if Obama wins again, he -- Ted -- will, quote -- "either be dead or in jail by this time next year." Sounds like a plan to me.
But, he needs your help, America. If you think Ted should die, send a message to 1-555-DIE-TED. If you think he should just go to jail, text 1-555-JAIL-TED. And if you think Ted Nugent should just sort of drift away into irrelevance, don't do anything, he's already there.
New Rule: Budweiser must have more self-awareness. Anheuser-Busch has asked Paramount to remove the Budweiser logo from the movie "Flight," because Denzel Washington's character drinks it irresponsibly. Right, as opposed to the rest of us who just drink it for the taste.
Hello, it's Budweiser! Your motto shouldn't be "The King of Beers." It should be, "Christ, Where Did I Go Wrong?"
New Rule: As soon as we get Obamacare up and running, a medical professional has to have a diagnostic sit-down with Donald Trump. A doctor, a nurse-practitioner, anyone but a veterinarian, because if you had a golden retriever that howled like that and had that kind of mangy coat and fat deposits, the phrase your vet would use is, "The kindest thing to do..."
New Rule: Stop saying Victoria Jackson is three cats short of a hoard. Yes, she's a racist, homophobic, paranoid squeaky toy, but on election night, she tweeted, "Thanks a lot, Christians, for not showing up. You disgust me." Which was weird, because I had just tweeted the exact same thing.
Also, she is entitled to her opinion, and she used to be kind of funny on that old TV show...[slides of Jackson and "Honey Boo Boo"]... 'Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.'
And finally, New Rule: I would never try to convince Fox News that black people aren't scary, but, if last election, you found a total of two new Black Panthers "suppressing the vote" by hanging around a voting booth, and this year they only had one guy...the thing being suppressed is laughter.
I'm sorry, new Black Panthers, but if your entire movement gets to a restaurant and the hostess looks at you and says she can't seat you until your whole party arrives...[S-L Jackson mimics expression of Black Panther in slide] Wait a second...You're not that scary! Wait a second. I found another one!
Okay...now, I bring this up because the background story of this election was white people losing their power. I mean, let's be honest. Republicans have the same problem as the Beach Boys: their fans are dying.
But, to the blacks, Asians and Latinos, as your power and population grows, and mine dwindles, I'd just like to say, I'm one of the good ones. You know that. [Maher kisses Jackson's hand] Thank you.
And I'm tired of living with the stereotype that all honkies are a little racist and retrograde and will only vote for fellow members of our own white tribe. You know, someone who can really "rock a pair of Dockers."
Now, I have long believed that if the different ethnic groups want to be treated equally, they have to stop voting for candidates just because they look like them. [slide of Colin Powell and President Obama] And, yes, I'm talking about white people, like these two. [slide of Romney and Kid Rock] Who obviously have so much in common besides pigment.
But, hey, the good news is, Obama won. The bad news is, only 39% of whites voted for him. And that is a pattern. White people vote for white people like it's going out of style. And, like most things white people do, it's going out of style.
And it's a shame. Caucasians have accomplished so much as a race. We've given the world Ugg boots and Cirque du Solei, Ultimate Frisbee and turkey burgers, Renaissance Faires and the golf-ball washer.
But, when I look at the election returns, I'm embarrassed at how far we haven't come. I cannot deny that Barack Obama is a two-term president who has had four elections in his life, and he only won the white vote once: when he ran for the Senate against another black guy.
And the only thing that makes white people more uncomfortable than choosing between two black politicians, is getting the check at a Thai restaurant and trying to remember which waitress was yours.
I tell you, with white people, it's always one step forward and two steps back. Or as we call it, "dancing."
...the good news is, Obama won. The bad news is, only 39% of whites voted for him. And that is a pattern. White people vote for white people like it's going out of style. And, like most things white people do, it's going out of style.
November 9, 2012