New Rule: Now that the election is over, Mitt Romney's Etch A Sketch must be treated for exhaustion. Its face is cracked, its knobs are chafed, and its backside has just had too many things pulled out of it.
New Rule: Now that we know all of Nate Silver's election predictions were right and based on facts, and all of Fox News' election predictions were wrong and based on a tingly feeling Sean Hannity gets in his taint...from now on, when Fox News reports on anything of consequence, they have to keep cutting away to a shot of Sarah Palin winking.
New Rule: Americans must help Ted Nugent fulfill his destiny. Last April, Ted predicted that if Obama wins again, he -- Ted -- will, quote -- "either be dead or in jail by this time next year." Sounds like a plan to me.
But, he needs your help, America. If you think Ted should die, send a message to 1-555-DIE-TED. If you think he should just go to jail, text 1-555-JAIL-TED. And if you think Ted Nugent should just sort of drift away into irrelevance, don't do anything, he's already there.
New Rule: Budweiser must have more self-awareness. Anheuser-Busch has asked Paramount to remove the Budweiser logo from the movie "Flight," because Denzel Washington's character drinks it irresponsibly. Right, as opposed to the rest of us who just drink it for the taste.
Hello, it's Budweiser! Your motto shouldn't be "The King of Beers." It should be, "Christ, Where Did I Go Wrong?"
New Rule: As soon as we get Obamacare up and running, a medical professional has to have a diagnostic sit-down with Donald Trump. A doctor, a nurse-practitioner, anyone but a veterinarian, because if you had a golden retriever that howled like that and had that kind of mangy coat and fat deposits, the phrase your vet would use is, "The kindest thing to do..."
New Rule: Stop saying Victoria Jackson is three cats short of a hoard. Yes, she's a racist, homophobic, paranoid squeaky toy, but on election night, she tweeted, "Thanks a lot, Christians, for not showing up. You disgust me." Which was weird, because I had just tweeted the exact same thing.
Also, she is entitled to her opinion, and she used to be kind of funny on that old TV show...[slides of Jackson and "Honey Boo Boo"]... 'Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.'