New Rule: There's simply no reason for you to be reporting while standing in water. Nobody thinks, "What daring journalism! Give that man a Pulitzer." We think, "Why don't you back up ten feet and stand on the curb, you jacka**?"
New Rule: [slide of cabs in lot nearly submerged in water] Before lamenting all these New York City cabs submerged under oily, backed-up sewer water, think of how much better they'll smell.
New Rule: Stop telling me how inspiring that Joanna Jenkins, a 108-year-old, South Carolina woman, voted for the first time ever this year. Especially since she cast her ballot for Calvin Coolidge.
New Rule: If Taylor Swift keeps having six terrible break-ups a year and they all start out great and then turn into screaming matches, bitter revenge fantasies and crying jags, she has to write a song called "Maybe It's Me."
New Rule: If you forget to buy candy for Halloween, just don't answer the door. Don't make kids stand on your porch for 20 minutes while you rummage around your house for something to put in their bags. Trust me, they don't want a pocket comb, a ballpoint pen from the funeral home, or a piece of Nicorette gum.
Do what I do: open the door in your priest costume, invite the kids in, and watch them all run screaming.