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New Rules

New Rule: There's simply no reason for you to be reporting while standing in water. Nobody thinks, "What daring journalism! Give that man a Pulitzer." We think, "Why don't you back up ten feet and stand on the curb, you jacka**?"

New Rule: [slide of cabs in lot nearly submerged in water] Before lamenting all these New York City cabs submerged under oily, backed-up sewer water, think of how much better they'll smell.

New Rule: Stop telling me how inspiring that Joanna Jenkins, a 108-year-old, South Carolina woman, voted for the first time ever this year. Especially since she cast her ballot for Calvin Coolidge.

New Rule: If Taylor Swift keeps having six terrible break-ups a year and they all start out great and then turn into screaming matches, bitter revenge fantasies and crying jags, she has to write a song called "Maybe It's Me."

New Rule: If you forget to buy candy for Halloween, just don't answer the door. Don't make kids stand on your porch for 20 minutes while you rummage around your house for something to put in their bags. Trust me, they don't want a pocket comb, a ballpoint pen from the funeral home, or a piece of Nicorette gum.

Do what I do: open the door in your priest costume, invite the kids in, and watch them all run screaming.

And finally, New Rule: Stop telling me you can't wait for this election to be over. Oh, admit it, you junkie, you love it!

American elections are glorified lying contests and an insult to our intelligence. But, they're not dull. And this one -- ah -- this one has been like watching Donald Trump losing a hockey fight. I know it has to end; I just don't want it to.

So, with only four days left in this campaign, it means there's only time for five more reincarnations of Mitt Romney.

By Tuesday, he'll be insisting he's always been a staunchly pro-gay Unitarian who hates corporations, is proud of his Latino heritage and doesn't want old white men telling him what he can't do with his vagina.

So, before it all ends, let's take a look back at the election that really began on January 21st, 2010. That's the day the Supreme Court voided all election laws except "money talks," and right-wing billionaires came out of the woodwork. Except for Sheldon Adelson, who came out of the waxwork.

Now, they only had to find the right vessel to carry their water. And that process began in May of 2011, with the first of 20 Republican debates featuring a collection of fourth-string freaks, creeps and twistos that made an orgy at John Waters' house look like 'The Avengers.'

2012 may also be remembered as the election where one candidate was suspected of not being born in America, and the other was suspected of not being born on earth.

But, when future historians ask, "Mitt Romney?! How did we get this shameless weathervane from the Planet Kolob?" The answer will be, "Because the other choices were Rick Perry, Newt Gingrich, Rick Santorum, [slide of Michele Bachmann] the mom from "Carrie"...slide of Herman Cain]...and the black guy from 'Ghostbusters.'

But, at the end of the day, the Tea Party had spoken. They were against healthcare mandates, against Wall Street fat-cats, and against establishment insiders. So they nominated Mitt Romney! Who tried to placate them at the Republican Convention in Tampa with his vice-presidential choice of Paul Ryan, an Ayn Rand enthusiast who bragged that he'd replaced the cheetah as the world's fastest land mammal.

The convention was also notable for a speech by Clint Eastwood who debated Medicare with a bar stool. Clint was not the first choice for a celebrity speaker at the convention, but...[slide of "Honey Boo Boo"]...Honey Boo Boo refused to dumb it down.

A week later, the Democrats had their convention, a much bigger success. At the end, liberals were filing out the hall chanting "Four more years!" Of course, it was for Bill Clinton, but still...

And things looked even better for the Democrats in September when the infamous video came out of Mitt Romney calling 47% of Americans a bunch of mooching sponges.

But, if it hurt him, it was soon forgotten, when, on October 3rd, 2012, 70 million Americans watched President Obama boycott the first debate. And get caught off guard by Mitt's pivot to the center. In this and the subsequent debates, the "Mitt" of the primary season, the man who had promised "teabaggers" and Bible-thumpers that he could "bag" and "thump" with the best of them was replaced by a new Mitt Romney, who suddenly liked regulation and protecting women's rights, and who was for taxing the rich, and offering foreign aid to the terrorists.

Can you imagine if he'd said those things during the primary debates? The crowd and the crazies on the stage would have devoured him. There would have been nothing left behind his podium but a clump of magic underwear and black hair dye!

So, that's it. That's the election. It is your choice, America. Because, for me, it is a win-win. If it's Obama, America wins. And if it's Romney, COMEDY wins!

2012 may also be remembered as the election where one candidate was suspected of not being born in America, and the other was suspected of not being born on earth.

Episode 265

November 2, 2012