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New Rules

New Rule: [slide of Romney with fast food staff] I realize Mitt Romney has some serious ground to make up with blacks and Hispanics, but someone has to tell him that photo-ops like this just make him look whiter. So white, in fact, that the guy on the right thinks he's seeing a ghost.

New Rule: If you're over 30 years old and you're still sleeping on a futon, you need to reevaluate your life. It's not a hipster alternative to a mattress; it's a dog bed for humans. And don't tell me they're big in Japan. So is sleeping in a paper house and molesting schoolgirls on the bullet train.

New Rule: From now on, beets must be called what they really are: dirt Jell-o.

New Rule: Donald Trump must immediately submit to DNA tests to determine... [slide of Trump] ...whether he is, in fact, the love child of a human woman and an orangutan from the Brooklyn Zoo. [add slide of orangutan]

Look, Donald, I'm not saying that your mother was repeatedly f**king an orangutan back in the 1940s. I don't know if that's true. I hope it's not true. But, given your face, your physique, your intelligence level...and, of course, your hair...the American people deserve some real proof that your mother did not spend most nights in 1945, covering her body in banana oil, sneaking into the monkey cage and compulsively humping an orange-haired ape. Somebody had to say that.

New Rule: Brides must stop telling bridesmaids that their bridesmaids' dresses can be re-worn on some future occasion. Really, like what? "Because I'm pretty sure everybody I know and everybody you know has just seen me in this lime-green affront to modern fashion that you only put me in to make yourself look prettier. Yes, it's your day, b**ch, but don't push it."

And finally, New Rule: America, before you get in bed with Mitt Romney, remember, he may seem like a nice fellow, from what we know about his core beliefs: nothing--his tax plan: nothing--his faith: off limits, and his donors: anonymous. But, a compulsive liar whose whole life is secret can get you a lot worse disease than "Romnesia."

Now, when I talk about getting into bed with Mitt Romney, obviously, I don't mean that literally. Please, Mitt Romney doesn't even know what a bl**job is. He thinks it's something the Pep Boys do to clean out your carburetor.

No, what I'm trying to do is make an analogy to that old public-service announcement about how, when you go to bed with one person, you're not just sleeping with them, you're...well, it's like that with Mitt.

When you elect Mitt, you're not just electing him. You're electing every right-wing nut he's pandered to in the last ten years. If the "Mitt-mobile" does roll into Washington, it'll be towing behind it the whole anti-intellectual, anti-science freak show: the abstinence obsessives, the flat-earthers, home-schoolers, the holy warriors, the anti-women, social Neanderthals, the closeted homosexuals, and every end-timer who sees the Virgin Mary in the grass over the septic tank.

Now, I understand having issues with Obama. But, stop to think of all the crap we haven't had to deal with in the last four years. Anybody remember Terri Schiavo? Obama isn't perfect, but he never turned the entire federal government into a Jesus-freak episode of 'House.'

And he doesn't have an attorney general like John Ashcroft, who once covered up a statue at the Justice Department because it was showing too much tit. Like it was Janet Jackson.

I'm just saying, last four years, no crises about boobies. No controversies about whether stem cells are actually tiny people. No Defense of Marriage Act. No Office of Faith-Based Initiatives. No peddling creationism at the national parks.

Did you know that before Obama got in, the Smithsonian couldn't mention global warming as a possible reason the glaciers were shrinking, because heat melting ice was just a theory?

Yes, that was our daily diet of turd under the last "sensible, business-minded Republican moderate."

And before you say, "Well, that was then, this is now," sitting in Congress right now, we've got a fresh can of nuts just waiting to get cracked open.

A few weeks ago, we heard from a Republican congressman named Paul Broun. [slide of Broun with deer heads] Here he is at a dead-deer convention, telling his supporters that evolution, embryology and the big bang theory are all -- quote -- "lies straight from the pit of hell." And he's on the science committee!

Along with Todd Aiken. F**k, even the deer are rolling their eyes.

Mitt Romney might want a government full of silver gentlemen who discuss policy in quiet rooms, but he's also going to get a bunch of snake-handlers who spout nonsense in antler-filled rooms.

People like Congressman Ralph Hall, who is chairman of the science committee, and says we don't need to address global warming because -- quote -- "I don't think we can control what God controls." By that logic, why ever put out a fire? Or open an umbrella? Or wipe your a**?

This is what you get with today's Republican Party. And a new Republican administration would be an open-for-business sign to all the bizarre, Bible-thumping bullsh** that the Obama Administration has given us a break from.

And to those who say, "Oh, don't worry, Mitt Romney will stand up to the extreme elements of his party," there's just one problem with that. It has the name "Mitt Romney" and the words "stand up" in the same sentence.

From now on, beets must be called what they really are: dirt Jell-o.

Episode 264

October 26, 2012