New Rule: [slide of Romney with fast food staff] I realize Mitt Romney has some serious ground to make up with blacks and Hispanics, but someone has to tell him that photo-ops like this just make him look whiter. So white, in fact, that the guy on the right thinks he's seeing a ghost.
New Rule: If you're over 30 years old and you're still sleeping on a futon, you need to reevaluate your life. It's not a hipster alternative to a mattress; it's a dog bed for humans. And don't tell me they're big in Japan. So is sleeping in a paper house and molesting schoolgirls on the bullet train.
New Rule: From now on, beets must be called what they really are: dirt Jell-o.
New Rule: Donald Trump must immediately submit to DNA tests to determine... [slide of Trump] ...whether he is, in fact, the love child of a human woman and an orangutan from the Brooklyn Zoo. [add slide of orangutan]
Look, Donald, I'm not saying that your mother was repeatedly f**king an orangutan back in the 1940s. I don't know if that's true. I hope it's not true. But, given your face, your physique, your intelligence level...and, of course, your hair...the American people deserve some real proof that your mother did not spend most nights in 1945, covering her body in banana oil, sneaking into the monkey cage and compulsively humping an orange-haired ape. Somebody had to say that.
New Rule: Brides must stop telling bridesmaids that their bridesmaids' dresses can be re-worn on some future occasion. Really, like what? "Because I'm pretty sure everybody I know and everybody you know has just seen me in this lime-green affront to modern fashion that you only put me in to make yourself look prettier. Yes, it's your day, b**ch, but don't push it."