New Rule: [Slide of Obamas kissing after debate] You don't need to rush into your wife's arms and clutch her for strength after a 90-minute debate. I wouldn't like talking to Mitt Romney either, but it's not like he just landed Apollo 13.
[slide of Romneys kissing] This is how you embrace your wife after a debate. Frozen, distant, arms at your side. Like she's your second-favorite grandmother.
New Rule: Let's all agree that bars that serve all-you-can-drink beer for just $14.99 probably aren't a good idea. Especially if that bar is located here in Koreatown. Let's just do the math, shall we? One bar full of Asians plus an infinite amount of beer equals..."Carmageddon III!"
New Rule: Now that Lance Armstrong has been banned from cycling, dropped by Nike, resigned from his charity and stripped of his titles, it's only right that he figures out a way to "un-f**k" Sheryl Crow.
New Rule: Don't bother decorating my coffee. Oh, your parents must be so proud. A hundred grand on student loans and you're finger-painting with milk. Tell me, Rembrandt, what medium will you be tackling next? Peeing in the snow?
New Rule: Before that Kennebunkport, Maine, Zumba instructor accused of prostitution reveals her full client list, she must first reveal what the hell is "Zumba"? And no matter what it is, how popular can it be if you have to throw in a blowjob?