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New Rules

New Rule: [Slide of Obamas kissing after debate] You don't need to rush into your wife's arms and clutch her for strength after a 90-minute debate. I wouldn't like talking to Mitt Romney either, but it's not like he just landed Apollo 13.

[slide of Romneys kissing] This is how you embrace your wife after a debate. Frozen, distant, arms at your side. Like she's your second-favorite grandmother.

New Rule: Let's all agree that bars that serve all-you-can-drink beer for just $14.99 probably aren't a good idea. Especially if that bar is located here in Koreatown. Let's just do the math, shall we? One bar full of Asians plus an infinite amount of beer equals..."Carmageddon III!"

New Rule: Now that Lance Armstrong has been banned from cycling, dropped by Nike, resigned from his charity and stripped of his titles, it's only right that he figures out a way to "un-f**k" Sheryl Crow.

New Rule: Don't bother decorating my coffee. Oh, your parents must be so proud. A hundred grand on student loans and you're finger-painting with milk. Tell me, Rembrandt, what medium will you be tackling next? Peeing in the snow?

New Rule: Before that Kennebunkport, Maine, Zumba instructor accused of prostitution reveals her full client list, she must first reveal what the hell is "Zumba"? And no matter what it is, how popular can it be if you have to throw in a blowjob?

And finally, New Rule: Since not even Democrats will ever stand up to big business, big banks or big oil, they must at least stand up to the one industry made up almost entirely of loud, right-wing jerk-offs: Big Pizza!

Now...I bring this up because this week Pizza Hut tried to punk Tuesday's town hall debate by offering a free lifetime pizza to any one of the questioners who would ask the candidates what kind of pizza they liked. That's right, a bribe of Pizza Hut for life. Which, if you ate that crap, wouldn't be long.

A backlash forced them to withdraw the stunt. But, the truth is, pizza has been all over this election, like it was Chris Christie's pants.

Here's Mitt Romney at the Republican National Convention looking very un-posed, serving some Tampa Bay pizza to several of his sister-wives.

And here's Obama this week bringing pizza to campaign volunteers. Because when you want to say "What's the cheapest thing I can feed you that's still technically food?"...nothing says it like pizza.

But, my question is, what is it about being able to figure out how to get a 2,000-calorie wheel of grease to your door in 30 minutes that turns a man's politics so far to the right?

Domino's, for example, was founded by Tom Monaghan, who kept up a constant crusade to fight -- to fight equality for gays, evolution in schools, and wave fetuses in jars at women in front of clinics. Just like Jesus would.

Oh, and guess who Tom sold Domino's to when he cashed out? Bain Capital. [slide of Romney and Bain Capital founders "eating" money] See the guys eating dollar bills? That's because the other choice was Domino's Pizza.

Then, of course, there's Godfather's Pizza's Herman Cain, who, when he said, "Try my Dippin' Sticks," wasn't talkin' about the menu.

Herman also once said, "A manly man don't want his pizza piled high with vegetables. He would call that a sissy pizza." You want a quotable president, f**k you, Lincoln and Kennedy! A manly man don't want a sissy pizza!

And then there's the Papa John's owner, John Schnatter, who rails against Obamacare because it might raise the cost of his sh**-pies 15 cents.

Really? Is there anyone in America for whom an extra 15 cents on a pizza is a deal-breaker? When I order a pizza, it's late...I'm stoned...I'm out of peanut butter...he could charge 15 extra dollars, I would be helpless to object!

Pizza is the "drunken hook-up" of food. You get it in a moment of weakness, and the next morning, you roll over, see the box and think, "Oh, God, did I just eat Papa John last night? I'm going to be sick."

Now, this summer, Mr. Schnatter threw a fundraiser at his enormous mansion for Mitt Romney, who looked around at the private lake and the private golf course and said, "Who would have imagined pizza could build this?"

But, pizza didn't build that. Fifteen thousand employees making six bucks an hour did. And a third of them don't have healthcare. And this a**hole could cover them for 15 cents a pie and won't.

Which is why I suggest the alternative to big pizza. And that's the neighborhood pizza guy with one store. Remember this guy? Scott van Duzer? [slide of van Duzer hugging Obama] The effusive, bear-hugging, Florida pizza store owner who could not contain his love for...well, everything.

He's not rich. How come he's happy and Papa John is so crabby? Sh**, Papa John, you've got your own golf course; why the long pizza face?

And he's just one in a long line of millionaires and billionaires who have decided to spend their golden years b**ching and moaning about how they're being overtaxed and under-appreciated.

Why has Sheldon Adelson -- who I'm sure you all remember as the puppet in the 'Saw' movies...why has he spent $70 million to defeat Obama when his net worth during the Obama years has increased more than any other single American? I think it's because, down deep, he knows he didn't earn it. No one can earn $25 billion.

So, it's all about the rage and self-hatred that comes from feeling your life is a fraud. Rich guys have always suffered from this. It's just that they used to deal with it by putting on a diaper and hiring a prostitute to beat them.

Now they form a super-PAC.

Really? Is there anyone in America for whom an extra 15 cents on a pizza is a deal-breaker? When I order a pizza, it's late...I'm stoned...I'm out of peanut butter...he could charge 15 extra dollars, I would be helpless to object!

Episode 263

October 19, 2012