New Rule: The next guy who b**ches to me that gas in Lubbock is a buck cheaper than it is in L.A. has to move to Lubbock. Here's L.A. [slide of bikini-clad beachgoers] Here's Lubbock. [slide of desolate ghost town] I'm sorry, that's not a fair picture of Lubbock. Last week, when they took it, it was raining!
New Rule: With a heartfelt "feel better" to Lady Gaga and Justin Bieber, now that we know throwing up onstage makes popular celebrities even more popular, President Obama must try it. [mock slide of Obama puking at debate]
New Rule: If I'm waiting for your parking space and you hop in your car and proceed to start texting, I get to ram you.
New Rule: Magician David Blaine, whose feats include spending 63 hours encased in ice and 35 hours on top of a tower, and 72 hours surrounded by electrical current, must admit that his main talent is pretty much standing around. And his next stunt must be titled, "In line for an iPhone."
New Rule: If you drink bacon-flavored vodka out of meat shot glasses with cheese swizzle sticks, you don't have to say the Pledge of Allegiance. You're already as American as you could possibly get.
Also, the proper toast when you're drinking bacon booze out of a meat glass isn't "Down the hatch." It's "Here Comes Honey Boo Boo."