New Rule: When we can't tell you from the wax statue of you at Madame Tussaud's , stop, John. I'm just saying something is wrong when the least-creepy thing about you is that you're a Scientologist. That's the real picture.
New Rule: Before beginning any scientific study, you must first ask, "Does anyone give a shit about what I'm studying?" Like a recent study revealed that people who decorate their bedrooms purple have the most active sex lives. Yes, because only three types of men have purple bedrooms: pimps, Herman Cain and the Minnesota Vikings.
New Rule, and this one is for Scott Brown: Repeatedly referring to your debate opponent as "Professor" is not a devastating zinger when she's actually a professor! It's like if Elizabeth Warren called you a "failed male model" because there's a picture of you hiding your entire penis behind your wrist. [slide of magazine photo spread of Scott Brown nude]
New Rule: And I don't want to sound like a Republican, but America has too much regulation! This week, we learned that the Women's Tennis Association wants to limit how loud players can grunt during matches. Hello, that's why men watch women's tennis! So we can close our eyes and imagine we're the reason Maria Sharapova is doing this. [sound montage of Sharapova's court scream/grunts]
New Rule: If you're sticking a vodka-filled rubber hose in your ass as a way to get drunker, you've already had enough to drink. Yes, yes, it's true. In order to get drunk faster, college students have been engaging in a practice called "Butt chugging." Where your buddy gets up on a step stool with a bottle of Seagram's and a funnel...I say, with friends like these, who needs enemas?