New Rule: Stop digging up new historical evidence that Jesus was married. Look, he never had any money. He used any excuse to hang out with the guys. And when death came, he welcomed it. What more do you need to know?
New Rule: It's time to name that gold, bamboo banquet chair the international symbol of having a shitty time. It could be a charity event, an awards ceremony, a wedding reception. If it involves sitting on those chairs, you had better get high before you leave the house, because you're in for a long evening.
New Rule: Let's let our old mix tapes die. Introducing the new cassette-to-iPod converter. Ohh. Yes, just what I need. A reminder that I once made something called "Heather's top-down driving mix." That included songs by Winger, Spin Doctors and Toad the Wet Sprocket.
I think I'm less ashamed of my bell-bottoms. And I hate to break it to you, but if you've still got tapes, old tapes of your mix tapes, you're not a music fan, you're a hoarder.
New Rule: [slide of "Romney" sign outside house] Someone has to explain to this home owner that there is absolutely no difference between putting this sign on your yard and one that instructs the gardener to pee in the pool.
New Rule: [slide of man sitting on chair being carried by African men holding up a platform] When your country has a history of colonialism, don't do this. [slide of Kate Middleton with topless native women] Although, you have to admit, Kate Middleton is kind of a genius. Who else would have thought to distract the public from her own boobies by making a visit to "booby island."