New Rule: Mitt Romney must never again make reference to what he might wear or not wear to bed. And Ann Romney must let us know if it's true that when Mitt gets sexually aroused, it sounds like this: [sound effect of modem call connecting]
New Rule: Now that we've passed the 11-year anniversary, we must all learn the final lesson of 9/11 and stop obsessing about 9/11. In 1986, most people had let Vietnam go. In 1952, people weren't constantly referencing Pearl Harbor. And in the years since the Civil War, nobody...[slide of protesters carrying Confederate flags]...oh, never mind.
New Rule: And this one goes out to Chris Brown. If you're known for beating a woman's face to a pulp, probably the best idea for a neck tattoo isn't a woman's face beaten to a pulp. [slide of close-up of Chris Brown neck tattoo as described] I would call it the worst decision ever, if it weren't for Mel Gibson's new neck tattoo of him pushing a Jew down the stairs. [slide of this tattoo]
New Rule: Joe Biden has got to learn to keep his hands off biker women. The last thing we need is another candidate with a pool cue up his a**. [slide of Mitt Romney]
New Rule: Don't smuggle monkeys in your underpants. That's what airport officials in India caught a passenger doing. Now, I, personally, have never smuggled a live monkey in my underpants -- although I've been accused of it many times.
But, guys...you know who you are...guys, two things you should know before stuffing a monkey down your pants. One, they've got terrible eyesight. And, two, they eat bananas.