New Rule: Instead of backing down, Clint Eastwood must show up all the haters by taking back that chair and making an awesome buddy movie with it. You can call it "Deep Sit." And it will involve a grizzled, old cop and his impulsive, young partner who is both a rookie and also a chair.
They may not like each other, but they're going to have to work together. But, soon, they earn each other's respect and end up infiltrating the drug kingpin's warehouse by posing as a coke dealer and a chair.
And Clint, if you don't think you can make a compelling action flick with a co-star made of wood, well, you haven't seen these guys. [slide of poster for "Expendables 2"]
New Rule: [slide of Julian Castro's daughter] Even people like me hate kids have to admit that that little Castro girl is freaking adorable. It can't be denied. She's like America Ferrera crossed with a baby seal.
After seeing her at the convention, even Sheriff Joe Arpaio was like, "Oh, all right, the Mexicans can stay."
New Rule: [slide of Elizabeth Warren] Elizabeth Warren has to stop dressing like the "before" woman in a beer ad. Granny glasses, check; hair in a bun, got it; now, pop an ice-cold Bud Light, toss the glasses, shake out the hair in slow motion, and hello, Charlotte, are you ready to rock?! [slide of Michelle Obama]
New Rule: Someone needs to explain to the millions of women mooning over the S&M in Fifty Shades of Grey that crotch-whippings and nipple-clamps hurt! I'm sure the books make for fun reading, but this whole sorry phenomenon is going to come to a screeching halt the first time one of you horned-up ladies answers a Craigslist ad and ends up getting peed on.
New Rule: Nobody should make fun of Kim Ramsey, the New Jersey woman who, it was reported this week, is tormented by 100 orgasms a day. A day?! My first reaction was, "Come again?!"
But, honestly, Ms. Ramsey, I'm sure it's hard to have to live a life where even the slightest bit of human contact or stimulation can set you off. But, I want you to know, there is a cure. [slide of Mitt Romney]