New Rule: [slide of costumed protestor] If you take your demands to the Republican National Convention dressed as a vagina...don't expect to leave satisfied. Or even recognized. Go to the Democrats. They won't solve your problems either, but at least you'll get lip service.
New Rule: [slide of Queen Elizabeth wearing "hoodie"] While it's nice to see a picture of someone in the Royal Family who is not naked...the Queen of England still should not wear a hoodie. It's unsettling. It's undignified. And if she goes out for Skittles, this jacka** will shoot her! [slide of George Zimmerman]
New Rule: The big banks have to stop figuring out ways for us to hate them more. [slide of Wells Fargo ad] This new Wells Fargo ad asks, "What is Wells Fargo doing to help the local economy? Answer: They've loaned money to small businesses." Which sounds great until you remember, they're a bank. That's what banks do.
It's like Charmin running an ad that says, "We're helping the local community by selling you something to wipe your a** with."
New Rule: [slide of product, "Libido-Max"] Never buy something just because it says, "Satisfaction Guaranteed." For example, these boner pills are guaranteed to work or your money will be cheerfully refunded by the cute girl at the Walgreen's who now knows that your penis doesn't work.
New Rule: Southern Comfort's new "Bold Black Cherry" flavor must be renamed "Uncle Zeb's Accidental Baby-Makin' Juice."
New Rule: Paul Ryan has to show us his birth certificate. Hear me out. He's an Ayn Rand fanatic who lifts weights every day and worships Led Zeppelin. I'm not worried that he was born overseas. I'm worried that he's 17.