New Rule: Stop acting shocked that Prince Harry got naked in Vegas. Please, he's a member of the Royal Family. It's only news if that girl he's pressing against isn't his cousin. Besides, you don't get upset at Prince Harry when he takes his clothes off. You get upset when he puts his clothes on! [slide of Harry wearing Nazi costume]
New Rule: [slide of Paul Ryan with his mother] Don't campaign for vice president of the United States with your mommy. This doesn't make me think, hey, that guy must like Medicare, there's an old lady he's not killing.
It makes me think, oh, look, Madonna has a new backup dancer.
New Rule: NASA must explain the difference between this video of their engineers celebrating the Mars rover touching down, and surveillance footage from a gay bar.
New Rule: Someone has to come and take this thing off my desk. [slide of landline phone console] It's annoying. I'll be talking on my cell phone or Skype-ing or tweeting -- you know, communicating -- and out of the blue, this thing starts ringing. What's that about? I have lots of tasks to complete during the day, but none of them involve putting someone on hold in 1982.
New Rule: [slide of "penis snake"] The Internet must stop showing me this photo of Brazil's recently-discovered "penis snake." I keep thinking I'm getting a tweet from Anthony Weiner.