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New Rules

New Rule: The government must run a public service announcement
[slides of three recent mass killers]reminding Americas crazy people that sometimes its okay to just lose your mind and masturbate in the park.

New Rule: [slide of Mars surface] Mars sucks. Lets face it, its Arizona without the old white people getting skin cancer. Though, I will admit that one of lifes great mysteries was solved this week when the Rover panned to the left and found Mitt Romney. [slide moves to include Mitt Romney]

New Rule: Stop implying that this Romney/Ryan bro-mance is somehow gay. Pfftt. You act like youve never seen an older millionaire take a bright, young lad under his wing, dress in matching outfits and exchange doting looks while teaming up to save the country before. It happens all the time, and theres nothing gay about it. [slide shown of Batman and Robin in Adam West TV series]

Stop implying that this Romney/Ryan bro-mance is somehow gay. You act like youve never seen an older millionaire take a bright, young lad under his wing, dress in matching outfits and exchange doting looks while teaming up to save the country before.

New Rule: [slide of Pussy Riot graffiti] Im still not exactly sure what Pussy Riot is, but count me in.

New Rule: Scientists must explain how its possible that the tiny island country of Jamaica can, at the same time, possess all the most stoned people in the world and all the fastest people in the world. [slide of Olympic runner]

New Rule: Until every charity in the world has all the money it needs, you cannot pay someone to tattoo your boyfriends name on your butthole. [laughter] Were a jealous, violent, heavily-armed society. The last thing we need is two guys meeting for the first time, and one saying, Adam Felber&Adam Felber&where have I seen that name before? Of course, Felber. It was right on the tip of my tongue!

Episode 255

August 17, 2012

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