New Rule: Future historians must consider the possibility that Chief Justice Roberts moved to the left on healthcare just so he doesn't have to sit with these weirdos at lunch every day. [slide of Justices Scalia, Thomas and Kennedy]
New Rule: [slide of four photos of George Zimmerman] George Zimmerman has to pick a look at go with it. Yes, when we first met George, he looked like every thug boyfriend who ever left a baby in a hot car.
Then, suddenly, he looked like the guy who sold you a phone at the Verizon store. [another slide]
[another slide] Then, he slimmed down and went a little hipster.
[another slide] And now he looks...now he looks like a 15-year-old Latino boy who's dating Madonna.
I'm not saying this is part of a strategy to make him seem less threatening, but when he walked into court today, I could have sworn he was that kid from "Modern Family." [slide of Rico Rodriguez]
New Rule: [slide] Democrats will agree not to circulate this photo of Mitt Romney and Pennsylvania's top Republicans looking like an ad for Land's End chinos if Republicans will resist their temptation to say that this-[slide of Obama with First Dog]-is a photo of Obama f**king his dog.
New Rule: [slide of Karl Lagerfeld] Karl Lagerfeld has to either torture and kill someone, or stop wearing this outfit. This doesn't say, "fashion designer." It says, "Where's our money, you little rat-f**k?!"
New Rule: Wing-nuts have to stop saying they're going to boycott Oreos because they made a gay cookie. [slide of Oreo with rainbow filling layers] In fact, this giant blob of vegetable oil and corn syrup is the perfect symbol for gay pride, because when I look at it, I think I'd rather put a d**k in my mouth.
And don't try to tell me that the "rainbow Oreo" is the first gay cookie. Have you ever met the Keebler Elves? You can have a male roommate in college, but if you live your whole life with five other dudes in a tree even your parents know it's not really about the rent.