New Rule: [slide of Romney pumping fuel into bus] Here's the deal. You stop trying to convince us you're a regular guy who does regular things just like us regular folks, and we'll pretend you're not pumping diesel fuel into the baggage compartment of that bus.
New Rule: We don't need to see the X-ray every time someone gets something weird lodged in their head. The latest is the boy who accidentally got shot with a fishing spear. I'd say I can't imagine what was going through his mind but I can: a fishing spear.
New Rule: This is to the Michigan man who discovered his ATM was broken and would let him withdraw unlimited amounts of cash, and then proceeded to lose $1.5 million of that cash gambling in casinos: You don't need to get the money you get from a broken ATM to a slot machine. If the ATM gives you an extra $1.5 million, that IS the slot machine!
It's kind of like a vagrant finding a bottomless bottle of Colt .45 and selling it to go by Colt .45.
New Rule: Don't dress up as the pill and follow around Mitt Romney. He has no idea what the pill is. He just thinks you're his spaceship. He's from another planet, Mitt Romney.
New Rule: Hate to break it to you, but you don't have to guard your parking lot with a row of tire-piercing fangs. It's a slab of concrete outside a dental office. No one cares. Do Americans have to be belligerent about everything? Why don't you just hire these guys? [slide of warriors from "Braveheart"]