Episode 252

June 15, 2012

New Rules

New Rule: Before LinkedIn gets to complain how hackers were able to steal millions of their subscribers' passwords, they first have to do two things: a) admit that it doesn't matter if someone has your LinkedIn password. What are they going to do? Sneak in and update your resume?

And, b) change their name to "Database of Strangers I Don't Give a Sh** About."

New Rule: It's okay that there's a new vending machine that makes you a ten-inch pizza in two-and-a-half minutes. But, to get the pizza, you should first have to deposit your car keys, because you, my friend, are sh**-faced.

New Rule: [slide: Tracy Mabb mug shot] Pull yourself together for your mug shot. This is Tracy Mabb, of Pompano Beach, Florida, arrested at an intersection for -- and I quote -- "exposing her breasts, vaginal and buttocks areas in a completely vulgar and indecent manner." Or what's known in Florida as "applying for a teaching position."

When questioned about her behavior by deputies, Mabb said -- and again I'm quoting -- "I don't give a f**k."

I'll just say what we're all thinking: Your move, Madonna. [slide of Madonna revealing a nipple]

New Rule: TV can't make half its show about pathetic hoarders who never throw anything away and the other half about lucky hoarders who find out their sh** is worth a fortune.

It doesn't make sense. It would be like People magazine making half its stories about anorexia and the other half about how to lose weight. [slides of two People covers that do just that]

New Rule: Until the election gets better, President Obama has to stop throwing parties for football teams. [slide of Obama with football team] Swing voters don't look at this and think, "He's a sports fan just like me." They think, "Holy sh**, he really does have a black army!"

And, besides, why spend your weekend with men suffering from head injuries, when that's your day job? [slide of Obama with John Boehner and Eric Cantor]

Our politicians love to brag, "The American worker is the most productive worker in the world." Yeah, because they work scared.

And, finally, New Rule: American workers must get at least as much paid vacation as the Chinese slaves who make their iPhones.

Did you know that 138 nations mandate vacation time by law. But, one of them isn't the "Republic of here."

In England, you get 28 paid vacation days a year. In Switzerland, you get 20. In Sweden, you get 25. In Greece, you get infinity.

Our politicians love to brag, "The American worker is the most productive worker in the world." Yeah, because they work scared.

That's why a majority don't even take all of the few vacation days they get. Because you don't want to seem less valuable to your boss, especially since we live in the only "big boy" country where losing your job means also losing your healthcare.

And then you won't be able to get the Prozac that helps you forget how depressed you are about having no free time.

I mean...for God's sake, having to cram an entire year's worth of relaxing into two weeks is more stressful than the goddamn job! Might as well stay home, sit in the baby pool and snort bath salts.

So, in conclusion, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "But, Bill, isn't mandatory vacation time the kind of thing your union used to fight for?" To which I say, "Union? You mean that old hall where workers used to meet and fight back? That's a Panera Bread now."

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