New Rule: Before LinkedIn gets to complain how hackers were able to steal millions of their subscribers' passwords, they first have to do two things: a) admit that it doesn't matter if someone has your LinkedIn password. What are they going to do? Sneak in and update your resume?
And, b) change their name to "Database of Strangers I Don't Give a Sh** About."
New Rule: It's okay that there's a new vending machine that makes you a ten-inch pizza in two-and-a-half minutes. But, to get the pizza, you should first have to deposit your car keys, because you, my friend, are sh**-faced.
New Rule: [slide: Tracy Mabb mug shot] Pull yourself together for your mug shot. This is Tracy Mabb, of Pompano Beach, Florida, arrested at an intersection for -- and I quote -- "exposing her breasts, vaginal and buttocks areas in a completely vulgar and indecent manner." Or what's known in Florida as "applying for a teaching position."
When questioned about her behavior by deputies, Mabb said -- and again I'm quoting -- "I don't give a f**k."
I'll just say what we're all thinking: Your move, Madonna. [slide of Madonna revealing a nipple]
New Rule: TV can't make half its show about pathetic hoarders who never throw anything away and the other half about lucky hoarders who find out their sh** is worth a fortune.
It doesn't make sense. It would be like People magazine making half its stories about anorexia and the other half about how to lose weight. [slides of two People covers that do just that]
New Rule: Until the election gets better, President Obama has to stop throwing parties for football teams. [slide of Obama with football team] Swing voters don't look at this and think, "He's a sports fan just like me." They think, "Holy sh**, he really does have a black army!"
And, besides, why spend your weekend with men suffering from head injuries, when that's your day job? [slide of Obama with John Boehner and Eric Cantor]