New Rule: [slide of Queen Elizabeth with Church leader at Diamond Jubilee] If you're the Queen of England, you don't have to carry a purse. First off, between the two of you, his is the outfit crying out for a handbag.
[second slide of Queen with Archbishop of York] And, by the way, I don't care if you are the Archbishop of York, if you get to the party and you're wearing neon-magenta and so is Elton John...[slide of Elton John]...you have to put on a sweater!
New Rule: If you handle snakes to prove they won't bite you because God is real, and then they bite you...do the math.
Last week, snake-handling Reverend Mark Wolford was killed by a snake he was handling. In the church he inherited from his father, who was also killed by a snake he was handling. Hallelujah.
New Rule: The Israeli scientists who are developing a strain of medical marijuana that doesn't get you high, must stop.
Leave it to the Jews to take the fun out of glaucoma and chemotherapy.
Let me explain something to you, Jewish docs: the getting-high part isn't a side effect of medical marijuana. It's the whole point. The improving-your-appetite part, that's the side effect.
New Rule: If you're asked during a beauty pageant to give an example of a movie with a positive female role model, as Miss Ohio was last weekend, and your answer is, "Pretty Woman"...the story of a whore who gets saved by a horny millionaire...it's okay if your talent is tying a cherry stem with your tongue.
Also, the contestant who resigned from the Miss USA Pageant because it now allows trannies, must admit that almost all beauty pageant contestants kind of look like trannies.
New Rule: Now that Scott Walker has survived his recall, he has to tell us once and for all, was he that kid in "Deliverance"? [side-by-side slides]