New Rule: [slide of Queen Elizabeth with Church leader at Diamond Jubilee] If you're the Queen of England, you don't have to carry a purse. First off, between the two of you, his is the outfit crying out for a handbag.
[second slide of Queen with Archbishop of York] And, by the way, I don't care if you are the Archbishop of York, if you get to the party and you're wearing neon-magenta and so is Elton John...[slide of Elton John]...you have to put on a sweater!
New Rule: If you handle snakes to prove they won't bite you because God is real, and then they bite you...do the math.
Last week, snake-handling Reverend Mark Wolford was killed by a snake he was handling. In the church he inherited from his father, who was also killed by a snake he was handling. Hallelujah.
New Rule: The Israeli scientists who are developing a strain of medical marijuana that doesn't get you high, must stop.
Leave it to the Jews to take the fun out of glaucoma and chemotherapy.
Let me explain something to you, Jewish docs: the getting-high part isn't a side effect of medical marijuana. It's the whole point. The improving-your-appetite part, that's the side effect.
New Rule: If you're asked during a beauty pageant to give an example of a movie with a positive female role model, as Miss Ohio was last weekend, and your answer is, "Pretty Woman"...the story of a whore who gets saved by a horny millionaire...it's okay if your talent is tying a cherry stem with your tongue.
Also, the contestant who resigned from the Miss USA Pageant because it now allows trannies, must admit that almost all beauty pageant contestants kind of look like trannies.
New Rule: Now that Scott Walker has survived his recall, he has to tell us once and for all, was he that kid in "Deliverance"? [side-by-side slides]
And finally, New Rule: Now that summer is upon us, the Occupy Wall Street movement must think of a more effective form of protest than camping.
To be considered a real movement, it has to start moving a**es off the streets and into the voting booth.
Occupy's motto is "The only solution is world revolution." Okay. But, what about setting our sights a little lower, like taking back Wisconsin?
Now, last fall, I must admit that I, too, got caught up in the Occupy Wall Street excitement. I went down there. I chanted. I held a sign. I shared some sacred herb with members of a drumming circle.
But, strangely enough, it turns out that having a sleepover in the park for four months didn't cause Wall Street to crumble. And that's not because Occupy didn't have the right message. It did. That America's wealth is increasingly in the hands of a tiny, klepto-cratic priesthood of finance cowboys and the politicians they buy, protected by a free-fire zone of rules they wrote themselves, feeding on the republic from within, likes a transcontinental tapeworm the size of Route 66. Sure, I'll give you that.
It's just I think it was Gandhi who said, "The park? Again? Really?"
I mean, no offense, but we tried the whole "sit outside until we get our way" thing. And it went over like Paris Hilton's music career.
Because, what does taking over a park really achieve, besides forcing anonymous, gay sex back into the bathhouses?
And, besides, the people who recently bought Facebook stock, they need some place to sleep now.
Now, if you think I'm being too mean about this, go to the Occupy website. It says that their big plan this year is to have a national gathering on July 4th, and, I quote, to "facilitate a visioning process designed to allow all voices to be heard, while allowing repeat visions to organically rise to the top." I don't know what the f**k that means.
But, on July 5th, the Occupy Wall Street "Guitarmy" -- yes, a guitar army...they promise to march from Philadelphia to New York, singing folk songs. So, take that, Wells Fargo! You foreclose on my house, I'm going to hit you with 187 choruses of "Tom Dooley."
Here's a thought: instead of organizing interstate hootenannies, maybe it's time for Occupy Wall Street to actually participate in the American political process. That means boring stuff like canvasing neighborhoods, raising money, running candidates for office, manning phone banks and making a baby with John Edwards.
I know it's a lot harder work than learning the chords to "Kumbaya," but it seems to be working for the Tea Party. I mean, think of it, three years ago, the Tea Party was just a few hundred retired diabetics angry at blacks and gays for making them feel old.
But, now they have 62 seats in Congress, and before John Boehner makes any decision, he first has to go outside to the National Mall and ask the former mental patient dressed as George Washington for permission.
And, that's because the Tea Party took it to the next level. They mobilized. The put on a nice shirt and their best teeth--and they got out there and they drafted candidates, registered voters and did all the stuff that, when the left does it, it's called "using the methods of Saul Alinsky."
The Occupy movement could do the same thing for the Democrats. In fact, we need Occupy to be our Tea Party, an unwavering bloc that will force things to the left as relentlessly as a new pair of jeans with a tight inseam.
A solid bloc of far-left, intractable, Democratic congressmen who Obama can point to and say, "You know, I'd love to renew your Bush-era tax cuts, but I have to deal with these crazy motherf**kers."
If you handle snakes to prove they won't bite you because God is real, and then they bite you...do the math.
June 8, 2012