Episode 250

May 25, 2012



"Between the obesity and the low test scores, you've got to ask the question, ‘How fat and dumb do our kids have to get before their teachers stop having sex with them?'" - Bill Maher

"Mitt said he always has had a great relationship with the Latinos in his life, so long as they don't wake him up with the leaf blower." -Bill Maher

"If economy is a science, why isn't there just one right answer?" -Bill Maher

"I think most people think the conventional wisdom is, if the economy picks up, Obama will win. If the economy goes down for some reason, we may be stuck with the "Unbearable Whiteness of Boring" for four years." - Bill Maher

"Wars are not a big moneymaker unless you're a fucking Viking." - Bill Maher

"It somehow became an article of faith on the right that Obama is the most extreme president in American history. Although, when they say that, I think what they really mean is...he's black." - Bill Maher

On Facebook:

"Regular people got screwed, and the banks and the insiders, they did okay. Or, as - or, as Mitt Romney calls it, ‘The American Dream.'" - Bill Maher

"Every president has to be able to pray to somebody. You know, he prays before he makes a decision. I pray after, like, a financial decision. Like, ‘Oh, God, why did I buy $45 in the Facebook IPO?'" - Kevin Nealon

"The system is corrupt. Some people have more information than others. And you are not one of those people who has more information." - Paul Krugman

"Zuckerberg went to Harvard. Steve Jobs went to Harvard. Bill Gates. They all dropped out. The only person that stayed was the Unabomber. He graduated." - Kevin Nealon

"You sort of have to question how long a company can be profitable just by people typing up, you know, ‘I had a baby yesterday...'" -Michelle Bernard

On Africa:

"I see part of my job to go to areas and shed a light on them. And I don't mean to sound too sanctimonious, but there's not that many journalists in Africa with the resources that we have at the New York Times." - Jeffrey Gettleman

"Obama has been to Egypt, he's been to Ghana, but he doesn't seem to want to go to Kenya. Why? Why wouldn't he want to go there? Could it be what Fox News would put as their headline? ‘Home for the Holidays.'" - Bill Maher

"A lot of local journalists can't do the stories because they'll be thrown in jail. So, I went into this area to try to expose some human rights abuse, and the next thing I know, I'm in jail." - Jeffrey Gettleman

"[The Lord's Resistance Army] started out as a legitimate rebellion years ago, but it kind of degenerated...So, the way they sustain their movement is kidnaping people's kids and training them to kill people, and turning them into these four-foot-tall killing machines." - Jeffrey Gettleman

On the Economy:

"The thing about an economy is it fits together. My spending is your income. Your spending is my income. So, if we all pull back at the same time, we're in a depression." -Paul Krugman

"I actually have a serious proposal, which is that we have to get a bunch of scientists to tell us that we're facing a threatened alien invasion, and in order to be prepared for that alien invasion, we have to do things like build high-speed rail...and then, once we've recovered, we can say, ‘Woops, there were no aliens.'" - Paul Krugman

"Right now we need somebody to spend, and that somebody has to be the U.S. government." -Paul Krugman

"This has been the longest, worst recovery ever. It's just terrible." - Arthur Laffer

"My view is that I have never heard of a poor person spending himself into prosperity." - Arthur Laffer

"Does it really matter if you have a job if you have no personal liberty? If you are put in a position where people don't like you because you're black, you're a woman, you're African American; they want to take everything away from you in terms of personal liberty, are you really going to be focusing on the economy when you go to vote?" -Michelle Bernard

"People are blaming Obama because of the economy, the situation that we were in in this country. But, we wouldn't be in this position if Wesley Snipes had paid his taxes." -Kevin Nealon

On the Filibuster:

"The Constitution says you need 50 senators. Somehow, the Republicans in this administration when nuclear and said you have to have 60. To me, that's a coup." - Bill Maher

"Our elected officials - who we elect to allegedly represent us, are really only representing themselves." -Michelle Bernard

On Cory Booker & Bain Capital

"I don't like what he said - but he is a paragon of what the civil servant should be, a public servant. This guy lives and breathes it." - Bill Maher

"Not all private equity people are evil. Only some." -Paul Krugman

"Because we can never raise taxes anymore on anybody for anything...we now have to beg rich people for money. Otherwise known as "feudalism." - Bill Maher

"I'm not defending what Cory Booker said. I'm saying I understand why he has to kiss the asses of the rich people on Wall Street, because there's no other way to keep his city afloat." -Bill Maher

"No one can explain the role of private equity with the nuance that [President Obama] did." - Michelle Bernard

"Barack Obama has to make sure that every American who wants a job can get a job. At Bain Capital, the job of Mitt Romney was to look at profits and losses and cut your losses where you can." -Michelle Bernard

On Mormonism:

"There's a lot of areas where Mitt Romney says...you can't ask. You can't ask about Bain Capital. You can't ask about Mormonism. What else is there, the f**kin' Olympics? Have to base this election on the luge?" - Bill Maher

"The key thing, is that, in the sixties, people used to say, ‘I won't let God tell me what to do.' Now, they brag about how they will." -Bill Maher

"I actually wrote a book on Mormon cults. It's called Always the Bride, Never the Bridesmaid." - Kevin Nealon

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