Episode 250

May 25, 2012

New Rules

New Rule: Someone has to tell the housewives who are reading the "mommy-porn" trilogy, Fifty Shades of Grey, Fifty Shades Darker and Fifty Shades Freed, that there's a man with a hard-on in the bed right next to you.

New Rule: Stop laughing at "Northern Exposure" actress Janine Turner for her new career as a celebrity wing-nut. Instead, laugh at her for creating "Christoga" - Christian yoga--or as I call it, "Stretching For Jesus."

Finally, two great faith traditions come together in this workout DVD that will make your ass as firm and unyielding as St. Paul's Letter to the Galatians. That letter is a little harsh.

New Rule: The Spanish scholars who now claim Christopher Columbus was secretly a Jew have to provide better proof. Yes, he tithed ten percent, which was a Jewish custom at the time. And some of his letters did have a cryptic Jewish symbol. And in the ship's galley, he often complained about the portions. And he was briefly married to Joan Rivers.

And, just going by this painting, he looked exactly like Harvey Fierstein, but if Columbus really were a Jew, don't you think he would have landed in Florida?

New Rule: Tissue companies must stop trying to impress us by embossing their toilet paper with fancy paisleys and flowers. You know what we're doing with this stuff, right?

Ted Nugent has to tell me what Obama has done that he’s so mad about so I have something to be happy about.

And finally, New Rule: Ted Nugent has to tell me what Obama has done that he's so mad about so I have something to be happy about.

Now, I refer to the famous proclamation Mr. Nugent made last month, when he said that if Obama is re-elected, it would be such an unthinkable catastrophe that he, Ted, would "either be dead or in jail." Or, as I call it, a "win-win."

Now, Ted went on to say that Obama leads a - quote - "vile, evil, America-hating administration wiping its ass with the Constitution." As opposed to Ted, who uses his hand.

Now, it somehow became an article of faith on the right that Obama is the most extreme president in American history. Although, when they say that, I think what they really mean is...he's black.

But, let me give you some examples. Newt Gingrich called Obama "the most radical leftist president in history." Senator Marco Rubio called him "the most divisive figure in American history."

Michele Bachmann said Obama is "the most radical president we have ever seen in the history of the country." And when has Michele Bachmann ever been known to misjudge a man? [slide of Marcus Bachmann]

John Bolton said, "Obama just doesn't care about national security." Honestly, there are Mexican drug mules who don't pull this much stuff out of their ass.

And, my question is, how can the same guy, Barack Obama, make these people feel that America has changed so completely, and yet make me feel like it's barely changed at all? I travel all over this country doing stand-up, and since Obama has been president, what?! It's still the exact same "Kentucky-fried country" it has always been!

I see it! People driving their cars to the mall, buying stupid shit, stuffing their faces, taking pictures. The only difference is, we bump into each other more, because now we're all texting!

We haven't lost our freedoms. I'm pretty sure the only things Obama has killed are Bin Laden and Donald Trump's last shred of dignity.

If Obama were as radical as they claim, here's what he would have already done: pulled the troops out of Afghanistan, given us Medicare for all, ended the drug war, cut the defense budget in half, and turned Dick Cheney over to The Hague.

Here's what Obama actually did. He cut taxes and spending. Look at this graph. [bar graph shown] These bars show the growth in federal spending for each president. Obama is at the bottom. Yes, the black man's is the shortest.

He didn't go on a spending spree. He didn't break up the "too big to fail" banks. They've only gotten bigger and "fail-ier."

That's not what liberals wanted. That's what conservatives wanted.

At the 2008 convention, Sarah Palin chanted, "Drill, Baby, Drill." Under Obama, there's more drilling than ever. That's not what environmentalists wanted. That's what conservatives wanted.

Obama spent most of last year conceding the Republican premise that government needed cutting. That's not what progressives wanted. That's what the Tea Party wanted.

The Dow was at 7,949 when he took office. Now, it's 12,000-and-over. Corporate profits are at their highest ever. If he's a socialist, he's a lousy one.

He could not be less threatening if he was walking home with Ice-T and Skittles.

So, the question remains, how can you guys be so unhappy with Obama when I'm so unhappy with Obama?! You think you got coal in your stocking? I wanted single-payer healthcare, a carbon emissions bill, gun control and legalized pot.

If you get to carry around all this outrage over me getting that shit, shouldn't I have gotten it?!

So, just admit it. This isn't about what Obama is. It's about what you need him to be, because hating him is what gets you up in the morning.

And, Ted, you don't have to fear what happens if the Democrats are re-elected. Because they don't have any ideas anyway. I can understand your paranoia that they have a secret plan, because they sure as shit don't have a public one.

Can anyone tell me what the Democrats want to do? The best I can come up with is, "Elect Us. We're Lame, But the Other Guys Are Nuts."

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