New Rule: Don't make a Facebook game where you get to be Jesus. This is "Journey of Jesus: The Calling," and apparently where he's being called is Fire Island in 1978. Besides, if you use Facebook, you already worship a virgin god. [slide of Mark Zuckerberg]
New Rule: Now that Rick Santorum has endorsed Mitt Romney in the 13th paragraph of a late-night email and George W. Bush one-upped him by endorsing him through the closing doors of an elevator, Ron Paul must top them all by scrawling the word "Mitt" on a post-it note and slipping it to reporters under a bathroom stall while taking a dump.
New Rule: Real estate listings may no longer use the words, "cozy," "quaint," "homey," "intimate" or "rustic," and instead must use the words, "tiny piece of sh**."
New Rule: Don't ban children from California's tanning salons. Tan them a deep, golden brown, and send them east to confuse the hell out of Arizona.
New Rule: For as long as Kim and Kanye are dating, every time they're about to get intimate, Taylor Swift gets to interrupt and say, "Yo, Kanye! I'm really happy for you and I'm going to let you finish, but Amber Rose had one of the best booties of all time!" [slide of Amber Rose] "Of ALL TIME!"