Episode 249

May 18, 2012

New Rules

New Rule: Don't make a Facebook game where you get to be Jesus. This is "Journey of Jesus: The Calling," and apparently where he's being called is Fire Island in 1978. Besides, if you use Facebook, you already worship a virgin god. [slide of Mark Zuckerberg]

New Rule: Now that Rick Santorum has endorsed Mitt Romney in the 13th paragraph of a late-night email and George W. Bush one-upped him by endorsing him through the closing doors of an elevator, Ron Paul must top them all by scrawling the word "Mitt" on a post-it note and slipping it to reporters under a bathroom stall while taking a dump.

New Rule: Real estate listings may no longer use the words, "cozy," "quaint," "homey," "intimate" or "rustic," and instead must use the words, "tiny piece of sh**."

New Rule: Don't ban children from California's tanning salons. Tan them a deep, golden brown, and send them east to confuse the hell out of Arizona.

New Rule: For as long as Kim and Kanye are dating, every time they're about to get intimate, Taylor Swift gets to interrupt and say, "Yo, Kanye! I'm really happy for you and I'm going to let you finish, but Amber Rose had one of the best booties of all time!" [slide of Amber Rose] "Of ALL TIME!"

Real estate listings may no longer use the words, "cozy," "quaint," "homey," "intimate" or "rustic," and instead must use the words, "tiny piece of sh**."

And finally, New Rule: You can't expect me to believe anything Mitt Romney said last week at Liberty University because, a, he's a liar, and, b, Liberty University isn't really a university.

It's not like an actual statesman visited a real college. It's more like the Tupac hologram visited Disneyland and said what he would do as president during the Main Street Electrical Parade.

Yes, that's right, from the "Church of Jesus Christ, Indian Fighter" spoke on Saturday at a school founded by Jerry Falwell, a preacher who once said AIDS was God's wrath for fingering the Teletubbies.

A guy in magic gym shorts talking to virgin Baptists. Clown, meet college. But, again, not really a college, because Liberty teaches "creation science." In fact, they have an actual center for creation studies, complete with some bones and a guy with a lab coat. Suck on that, Smithsonian Institute.

And they teach that the earth is 5,000 years old, and dinosaur fossils washed up in Noah's flood. This is a school flunk out of when you get the answers right.

Now...I would say we should take away their accreditation, but it's a private college and they can teach whatever they want. But, at the very least, diplomas from Liberty should come with a huge asterisk next to your name. And at the bottom, it should say, "This institution teaches superstitious nonsense. Hire at your own risk."

Conservatives often say that gay marriage cheapens their marriage. Well, I think a diploma from Liberty cheapens my degree from a real school. I worked really hard for four years and sold a lot of drugs to get that thing.

So, if you want to go to someplace that teaches the Bible is literally true, and the earth was created last Tuesday when God got into gardening that's fine. But, you can't call it a university. Target serves pizza; it doesn't make it a restaurant.

It's just wrong for Liberty to hand out diplomas that look just like real diplomas from actual schools that teach facts. [slide of Liberty diploma] Look, this is the Liberty University diploma, see? There's no gold stars or smiley faces or Care Bears. It looks real.

But, here's the problem with confusing a church with a school. It mixes up the things you believe -- religion -- with the things we know -- education.

Then you start thinking that creationism is science and gay aversion therapy is psychology, and praying away hurricanes is meteorology.

It would be like teaching American history by saying the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution were written by God. And even the world's most ridiculous imbecile wouldn't say that...

[Clip shown of Glenn Beck giving commencement address]

Glenn Beck: It is God's finger that wrote the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution.

[back to live]

Maher: Mitt Romney recently told a crowd, "I happen to believe that the Constitution was not just brilliant, but probably inspired." And everyone applauded, because they'd all seen this painting. [slide of McNaughton painting] James McNaughton's "One Nation Under God," which reinforces the now mandatory Republican talking point that the Constitution isn't the work of brilliant but imperfect statesmen, but a divinely inspired blueprint conceived by God himself and hand-delivered by his only begotten son, Kenny Loggins.

Sorry, but our Constitution wasn't divinely inspired. It's just that the guys who wrote it were smart, because they went to real colleges.

Thomas Jefferson went to William and Mary, Madison went to Princeton, Alexander Hamilton went to Columbia. And those schools should not be put in the same category as Oral Roberts or Bob Jones or the Dueling Banjos College of Prayin' and Preachin'. Or Liberty. Which not only shouldn't be called a university, it shouldn't be called "Liberty," since it strictly forbids kissing or drinking.

And if you're in college and you can't kiss or drink, good luck f**king.

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