New Rule: The media must stop calling the guy who keeps failing to blow up his underwear a "genius." You tried twice and you failed twice. Face it, the only way that the "underwear bomber" has affected our lives is when the guy in the next seat starts fiddling around under his blanket, we just pray he's masturbating.
New Rule: If Thor is a god, someone has to tell me why we need the other 15 Avengers. It's like having a pickup basketball game with a bunch of your friends, and Thor. I especially need to know why we need the Avengers whose super powers are archery and big-tits-and-a-handgun. I just need to know...
New Rule: Instead of going on TV every time the president comes to L.A. and rambling on and on about how Hollywood is a cesspool that has no values, right-wing TV personalities must come to one of our cocaine orgies and say it to our face.
New Rule: If Time magazine is really this desperate for attention--[slide of Time's "Are You Mom Enough?" cover]--it must be renamed, I'll Suck Your D**k for a Dollar.
Seriously, the print media has to die more gracefully. And, by the way, here's a tip that your child might be too old to breastfeed: when, after he finishes, he lights up a cigarette.
New Rule: The columnist for the right-wing Washington Times--[slide of Washington Times' Joseph Curl]--who suggested this week that Obama is a racist for not mentioning the death of one of the Beastie Boys because he was white, must be promoted to Fox News. That is such a spectacular piece of hackery, I can't believe Sean Hannity didn't think of it first.
It should win a reverse-Pulitzer. You, sir, deserve the right-wing trifecta: a gig on Fox, an AM radio show, and a deal for a sh**ty book called--[slide of book cover by Joseph Curl]--SCUM: How Liberal Something, Something Ruined America, Blah, Blah, Flag, Kicka**, Jesus.