New Rule: Newt Gingrich cannot end his campaign, as he did, by calling it a "wild ride." Seeing how he looks exactly like "Mr. Toad." [slides of Gingrich and "Mr. Toad"]
Oh, in fairness, there's a difference between Newt's campaign and "Mr. Toad's Wild Ride." One twists and turns through fantasy-land and makes you want to throw up. And the other one is at Disneyland.
New Rule: When you're tanning...[slide of woman arrested this week for tanning exposure of her child]...and you get to be the same color as a 500-year-old iceman mummy...[mummy slide added]...stop. The tanning mom raises so many questions: What is she thinking? How did this happen? Why always my home state of New Jersey?
New Rule: Americans have to stop freaking out about germs. This is the Lysol Healthy Touch No-Touch hand-soap system. Finally, soap for people afraid to touch soap. Who invented this? Howie Mandel? This is the country that eats pink slime; we're worried about our hands?!
New Rule: Stop putting "this page intentionally left blank" on the blank page. Are there actually people out there who see a blank page and get confused?
The rest of us have pretty much figured that a blank page at the beginning of a book doesn't mean the writer gave up. Or that Barnes & Noble is trying to f**k you over.
Trust me, if you keep going, eventually you'll hit some pages with words on them! I hope this answers your question, Governor Palin. [slide of Palin]
New Rule: No matter how much you miss "Seinfeld," don't get a tattoo of Jason Alexander's face on your a**. [slide of just that] Yes, it'll make sure your cellmate can't get hard enough to rape you in prison...but, wouldn't it be easier just to not do the crime?