Episode 247

May 4, 2012

New Rules

New Rule: Newt Gingrich cannot end his campaign, as he did, by calling it a "wild ride." Seeing how he looks exactly like "Mr. Toad." [slides of Gingrich and "Mr. Toad"]

Oh, in fairness, there's a difference between Newt's campaign and "Mr. Toad's Wild Ride." One twists and turns through fantasy-land and makes you want to throw up. And the other one is at Disneyland.

New Rule: When you're tanning...[slide of woman arrested this week for tanning exposure of her child]...and you get to be the same color as a 500-year-old iceman mummy...[mummy slide added]...stop. The tanning mom raises so many questions: What is she thinking? How did this happen? Why always my home state of New Jersey?

New Rule: Americans have to stop freaking out about germs. This is the Lysol Healthy Touch No-Touch hand-soap system. Finally, soap for people afraid to touch soap. Who invented this? Howie Mandel? This is the country that eats pink slime; we're worried about our hands?!

New Rule: Stop putting "this page intentionally left blank" on the blank page. Are there actually people out there who see a blank page and get confused?

The rest of us have pretty much figured that a blank page at the beginning of a book doesn't mean the writer gave up. Or that Barnes & Noble is trying to f**k you over.

Trust me, if you keep going, eventually you'll hit some pages with words on them! I hope this answers your question, Governor Palin. [slide of Palin]

New Rule: No matter how much you miss "Seinfeld," don't get a tattoo of Jason Alexander's face on your a**. [slide of just that] Yes, it'll make sure your cellmate can't get hard enough to rape you in prison...but, wouldn't it be easier just to not do the crime?

I personally define a cult as any religion with fewer followers than Snooki has on Twitter.

And finally, New Rule: Donating your money to help repair this kid's cleft palate or to feed these hungry people, that's charity. Giving money so "Bryce and Spencer"-[slide of two Mormon missionaries] can spend two years in Namibia spreading nonsense about celestial marriage and how Jesus is coming back to Missouri -- not charity.

Bryce? Spencer? If you really want to help the people of famine-ravaged Namibia, skip the tie and the book and just let them eat you.

Now, I don't want to refight last Friday's show or get into a pissing match with the Internet, but the usual suspects are b**ching that I was wrong in saying that Mitt Romney's charitable giving doesn't count because it all goes to his cult.

I'm sorry, I meant to say "his ridiculous church."

But, religion, cult, truth is, there's no real definition of which is which. It's more like...if the shoe fits...

I personally define a cult as any religion with fewer followers than Snooki has on Twitter.

Also, Mormonism is secretive. And that's another trait I associate with cults. Catholics own their "crazy."  It's right on the table. Mormons are more like "fight club."

In any event, it doesn't matter, and I'm very sorry if I called your horsesh** "bullsh**."

The real issue is, when Mitt Romney gets a deduction for giving to charity, the rest of us taxpayers have to cover the loss. Charitable deductions reduce the public coffers by about $60 billion a year. They take more out of our budget than enforcing the "Buffett Rule" would put back in.

So, it is fair to ask what should constitute a charity. Now, the way it works when you're a Mormon is, you give 10% of your income to your local "coven" or whatever it's called. And they send it to Salt Lake City, where it's counted by goblins and guarded by dragons...I'm sorry, that's "Harry Potter."

Still, if Mitt Romney gave 10% of his income to the Red Cross or Doctors Without Borders, I would be the first to say, "Good Robot!"

But, he gives it to the Mormon Church, which spent millions here in California in a political battle to make sure the only gay at a wedding is the priest who performs the ceremony.

And, public dollars should not be subsidizing that. And yet, all last week, people came up to me and said, "But, Bill, the Mormon Church performs good deeds. How can you say they're not a charity?" To which I responded, "Get away from me, Donnie and Marie!"

And, look, I'm not saying the Mormon Church doesn't do some good things. They provide food during famines and wheelchairs for the lame. But, that's not their main concern. Which is, like any business: growing the business; opening branches, selling more product, putting a**es in tabernacles.

General Electric plants a tree now and then; it doesn't make them Johnny Appleseed.

Real charities only care about the charity. [slide] This is the Hollywood Sunset Free Clinic, which provides healthcare to poor children. From an architectural standpoint, not much to look at.

This-[slide]-is the Mormon temple in San Diego. Either that or Superman's Fortress of Solitude.

Someone has to explain to me why Mitt Romney gets a tax write-off for giving money to the people who already own this. [slide of Disney Concert Hall] A good rule of thumb for telling the real charities from the fakes, is real charities don't have castles!

This is Disney Hall, where the L.A. Symphony performs. Lots of people give money to symphonies, and they get tax deductions for that. But they shouldn't! Because, again, it's a f**king castle!!

And, because unlike food and water, access to Mozart is not a basic human necessity.

You like the ballet? Go to the ballet. Write a big check supporting it. But, unless "Swan Lake" needs to be drained to keep orphans from getting malaria, don't ask the rest of us to help support your hobby.

Related media

Watch Real Time with Bill Maher

  1. TelevisionWed, Oct 18, 8:00PM ETEpisode 440: October 6, 2017HBO2 EAST
  2. NOW & GOAvailable
  3. On Demand4 episodes available