Episode 246

April 27, 2012

New Rules

New Rule: When we air "Glee" in other countries, it must start with a disclaimer: not all American high school kids are 30. Also, our high schools have more than one black kid; we can't afford Vegas-style production numbers; and our favorite music isn't campy disco from Fire Island in 1978.

New Rule: Instead of buying a $500 face cream made out of caviar, just pee on poor people. Or kick a homeless man and say, "Why are you such a loser, loser?"

I mean, really, you're rubbing caviar on your face? Then again, who can argue with the results? [slide of Mitt Romney]

New Rule: If the Indians have a rocket that works, but the North Koreans don't, we have to stop being scared of North Korea and start being scared of India. Now, you may ask why would India launch a missile at us? Well, as Sarah Palin points out, we did steal their land.

New Rule: Now that the networks have had shows called, "I Hate My Teenager Daughter," "Sh** My Dad Says," and "Don't Trust the B**ch in Apartment 23," they must make a new show called, "Who Asked You, You Stupid F**k?"

New Rule: Let's follow Canada and get rid of the penny. It costs more to make than it's worth. And we don't need another copper-colored reminder the government is a useless, stupid boondoggle. We already have John Boehner. Same color. Come on, he's the same color.

If the Indians have a rocket that works, but the North Koreans don't, we have to stop being scared of North Korea and start being scared of India. Now, you may ask why would India launch a missile at us? Well, as Sarah Palin points out, we did steal their land.

And, finally, New Rule: If the media is going to cover all the sordid details of the Secret Service prostitution scandal for yet another week, it has to start its stories with, "Dear Penthouse. I never thought this would happen to me..."

Now, as you may know, the reason President Obama had made that trip to Colombia, was to discuss hemispheric security with Mexico, where a narco civil war has killed over 50,000...oh, who the f**k am I kidding? A secret agent had sexy time with a lady!! And I'll bet she had boobies, too!!

And you know who else is from Colombia? The "Modern Lady" family!

"And this has been the CBS Evening News.' I mean, the "Modern Family" lady.

Oh, yes, it's easy to make fun of the media. And there's a good reason for that: they suck. I watched the three network news broadcasts Monday night. This is what they covered. First, the weather, which isn't news, and can be better handled by the local news team, which gives you an idea how deep that is.

After the weather, the heirs to Cronkite and Murrow reported about a Japanese kid who lost his soccer ball in the tsunami, and now it washed up over here!

Then they did a story about "World Peace." Not the issue, the basketball player.

And then -- I sh** you not -- a story about how highway traffic in California was delayed because a family of ducks was trying to cross the road. "You stay classy, San Diego."

But, of course, all these stories took a backseat to the Secret Service scandal, which pretends to be about something important like the president's security. But, really, it's just an excuse to show this picture and call it "breaking news." [slide of young woman in a bikini] It's like Telemundo for people who speak English.

The only politics we understand is scandal, and the only scandal we understand is sex.

Look at the primaries: Newt Gingrich, over his long career, has committed crime in Dante's Inferno except grave robbing. And that's just because shoveling is work.

But, why is he ineligible for high office? Adultery.

Or, take Herman Cain, the lovable huckster who said things like "No bill in Congress should ever be more than three pages long." Every time he opened his mouth, something frighteningly stupid, factually inaccurate or mathematically impossible would fall out. And the media just stood around saying, "Hey, wow, he's the frontrunner."

But, as soon as a woman came forward with some dirt, say hello to Woodward and Bernstein.

Or, take the John Edwards trial. Please. That story is so big this week Time magazine didn't even put Jesus on the cover. Oh, yes, stories like that bring out the "people have a right to know!" fervor in our intrepid reporters. In fact, they dug so deep into Edwards' scandal, we actually learned that he went down on his mistress when she was pregnant.

He didn't want to, but she convinced him her vagina had a mirror in it.

I know. I'm sorry. John Edwards' favorability rating is 3%, the worst ever recorded. Is he really the worst person in the world ever? The crime he's accused of is a campaign finance violation. But, thanks to the Supreme Court, last week, Mitt Romney's super PAC was able to get a $10 million anonymous donation. For all we know, it came from Vladimir Putin or Mel Gibson or Kim.com.

The Supreme Court did a lot more to corrupt campaign finance than John Edwards.

Why do we punish sex so much more than everything else? Clinton lied about a blowjob, got impeached. Bush lied about a war, didn't. I can't help but think that if an alien landed in America tomorrow, the first thing he would say would be, "Hey, Mitt Romney, great to see you again. How's that human exoskeleton holding up?"

But, after that, the alien would say, "Is there no end to your childish fixation with pee-pees and wee-wees?"

Even Rick Santorum was fascinating to us because of sex, albeit in reverse. That someone could be that sexually repressed. Because, I must admit, I never worried Rick would have an affair. I worried he'd dress up as his mother and kill women in a motel.

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