New Rule: When we air "Glee" in other countries, it must start with a disclaimer: not all American high school kids are 30. Also, our high schools have more than one black kid; we can't afford Vegas-style production numbers; and our favorite music isn't campy disco from Fire Island in 1978.
New Rule: Instead of buying a $500 face cream made out of caviar, just pee on poor people. Or kick a homeless man and say, "Why are you such a loser, loser?"
I mean, really, you're rubbing caviar on your face? Then again, who can argue with the results? [slide of Mitt Romney]
New Rule: If the Indians have a rocket that works, but the North Koreans don't, we have to stop being scared of North Korea and start being scared of India. Now, you may ask why would India launch a missile at us? Well, as Sarah Palin points out, we did steal their land.
New Rule: Now that the networks have had shows called, "I Hate My Teenager Daughter," "Sh** My Dad Says," and "Don't Trust the B**ch in Apartment 23," they must make a new show called, "Who Asked You, You Stupid F**k?"
New Rule: Let's follow Canada and get rid of the penny. It costs more to make than it's worth. And we don't need another copper-colored reminder the government is a useless, stupid boondoggle. We already have John Boehner. Same color. Come on, he's the same color.