New Rule: Just retire the Space Shuttle Discovery. [slide of Space Shuttle piggybacking on larger plane for final journey] Don't put it out to stud. And stop calling the Discovery's "final mission." When you're strapped to the roof, you're not on a mission, you're Mitt Romney's dog.
New Rule, and this one should be obvious, but the Secret Service needs to stop wasting our tax money on untrustworthy, dishonorable p**sy hounds. Starting with this one. [slide of Newt Gingrich]
New Rule: I know Joseph Kony is a messianic, homicidal madman. But if we get to go to Uganda and hunt him, they get to come here and hunt Mel Gibson. It's only fair.
There's a new Mel Gibson tape where he rants and raves at a screenwriter for not finishing a script. And now that movie is dead. Which is a shame, because my whole family was looking forward to seeing, "Eat, Pray, Sh**-Fit." [slide of mock movie poster shown]
New Rule: Instead of spending next Thursday, Friday and Saturday attending the NFL draft so you can watch your team announce its picks live, just tell your wife and kids you hate them.
New Rule: Before asking why Mountain Dew had to develop a marketing campaign with Lil Wayne to try and get black people to drink it, consider their logo used to be a hillbilly shooting at somebody. [slide of original logo shown]
And finally, New Rule: The right and the left--[slide of "pink slime" extruder]--don't have to agree on everything. But, Republicans have to give up on pink slime. You know pink slime, the stuff from the slaughterhouse that's even too nasty to go into a hotdog?
The -- quote -- "rejected fat, sinew, bloody effluvia and occasional bits of meat that's then treated with ammonia, because it's otherwise full of bacteria -- or as it's more commonly known, "Donald Trump."
Yes, pink slime, because you can't spell ammonia without "mmm."
Now, I bring up pink slime because it's typical of a strange pathology that we see on the right. When most Americans found out there was pink slime in their hamburgers, they were repulsed. And Republicans should have been, too. But, once they found out that liberals were against pink slime, then, by God, they had to save it.
Which may be why this month three Republican governors went to a pink slime factory and ate it on purpose. [slide of three governors eating burgers/nuggets] Take that, book-learnin'!
See the governor smiling on the left? That's literally a sh**-eating grin.
Now, you might say, "But, Bill, I'm sure those governors had a perfectly good reason to eat pink slime. Maybe they lost a bet with Mitt Romney. Or Rick Perry is not quite as smart as a starfish.
But, I think the answer is worse than that. I think the Republican Party is at war with common sense. I think if the Democrats came out against eating yellow snow, Rick Perry would eat yellow snow.
I think Republicans live in a world now where whatever a liberal says, no matter how sensible, is automatically evil, wrong and needs to be fought with the fervor of a starving raccoon on crystal meth.
If Michelle Obama says it's good to eat vegetables and take a walk, then I'm going to sit in my garage with the car running and eat bacon grease out of a coffee can.
When the Pennsylvania Board of Education last year tried to serve less candy to students in a good-faith effort to stop our children from becoming completely spherical, Sarah Palin literally rushed to Pennsylvania with a plate of sugar cookies. "Here you go, fat kids, have a big ol' face full of freedom!"
Oh, yes, Sarah Palin, the Rosa Parks of dessert.
I mean...why, why? Because not having diabetes is a liberal plot?
If you can see your shoes, then you hate America?
What is it with the pushing back on the formerly un-push-backable? Newt Gingrich attacking child labor laws. Ron Paul saying it's socialist for the government to help people after tornados? Arguing about paying our bills?
And college?! Santorum called Obama a "snob" for wanting kids to go to college. And Romney said, "He spent too much time at Harvard." Right, because what America needs is a president who dropped out of massage school.
And as it is Earth Day Sunday, let me add this to the list: the environment. Another area that didn't used to be partisan. When Richard Nixon created the EPA, both parties agreed that rivers shouldn't catch on fire. And the air shouldn't make pigeons cough.
But, then Al Gore embraced it. And now, when the EPA wants to reduce the level of arsenic in the drinking water, you half expect to see Mitch McConnell making appearances with "Archie the Arsenic Molecule." [slide shown of McConnell with "Archie the Arsenic Molecule"]
You don't have to make everything political. That's like making all your decisions based on what Jesus would do. Paper or plastic? Sometimes, Jesus just doesn't give a sh**. You choose.
There's a new Mel Gibson tape where he rants and raves at a screenwriter for not finishing a script. And now that movie is dead. Which is a shame, because my whole family was looking forward to seeing, "Eat, Pray, Sh**-Fit."
April 20, 2012