New Rule: Just retire the Space Shuttle Discovery. [slide of Space Shuttle piggybacking on larger plane for final journey] Don't put it out to stud. And stop calling the Discovery's "final mission." When you're strapped to the roof, you're not on a mission, you're Mitt Romney's dog.
New Rule, and this one should be obvious, but the Secret Service needs to stop wasting our tax money on untrustworthy, dishonorable p**sy hounds. Starting with this one. [slide of Newt Gingrich]
New Rule: I know Joseph Kony is a messianic, homicidal madman. But if we get to go to Uganda and hunt him, they get to come here and hunt Mel Gibson. It's only fair.
There's a new Mel Gibson tape where he rants and raves at a screenwriter for not finishing a script. And now that movie is dead. Which is a shame, because my whole family was looking forward to seeing, "Eat, Pray, Sh**-Fit." [slide of mock movie poster shown]
New Rule: Instead of spending next Thursday, Friday and Saturday attending the NFL draft so you can watch your team announce its picks live, just tell your wife and kids you hate them.
New Rule: Before asking why Mountain Dew had to develop a marketing campaign with Lil Wayne to try and get black people to drink it, consider their logo used to be a hillbilly shooting at somebody. [slide of original logo shown]