Episode 244

April 13, 2012

New Rules

New Rule: The State Department doesn't have to warn Americans not to travel to Mali. Hello, we're Americans. We don't know where Mali is. Plus, it's a foreign country, so we're already not going.

Americans hear "Mali," and they think, isn't that one of Obama's daughters?

New Rule: Don't waste this face on reading to children. [slide of President and First Lady Obama reading to children, making dramatic faces] This is your "war face." Smile at the children. Use this face on John Boehner.

You think he cries now? Look at him like this, he'll "bronze" his pants.

New Rule: If the good part of the sweat sock is the gray stuff, why not use it to make the whole sock? I am tired of an America where we're told to lower our expectations and accept less. If we could make a fried-chicken sandwich where the bread is also fried chicken-[slide of sandwich]-we can make an all-gray sweat sock.

New Rule: If North Korea wants us to take their missile program seriously, they can't show us this photo. [slide of control room of North Korean missile launch] This is their Mission Control?! It looks like where the Beatles recorded "Love Me Do."

I've seen more sophisticated technology at a Del Taco drive-through.

Admit it, guys, you're not initiating countdown; you're playing "Pong." [close-up slide shows two scientists looking at "Pong" screen]

New Rule: If you order the new Pizza Hut pizza with the hotdog-stuffed crust you have to pay more for healthcare. And stop acting like this is a new idea. For years, Marcus Bachmann has been telling the delivery guy, "I'd like a wiener in my rim."

If the good part of the sweat sock is the gray stuff, why not use it to make the whole sock? I am tired of an America where we're told to lower our expectations and accept less. If we could make a fried-chicken sandwich where the bread is also fried chicken we can make an all-gray sweat sock.

And...finally, New Rule: Fidel Castro is not worse than "vampire Hitler." And Cuba is not North Korea crossed with hell. If we had opened up relations with Cuba 30 years ago, instead of pursuing the stupidest, most ineffective policy in American history not named the "drug war," today Cuba would look like St. Bart's, and your kid would be there on spring break drinking sh**ty rum out of a jug shaped like a frog.

Now, in case you haven't heard, this week, Castro-crazy syndrome got clinical when Miama Marlins manager Ozzie Guillen was suspended for saying he admired the way Fidel Castro keeps not being dead.

Worse, he made a groveling apology and promised, "I will learn from this." Well, I certainly hope so, because Castro is a communist, and if you say something communists don't like, they take away your job and send you to a re-education camp until you come out with the one approved opinion. And we wouldn't want to have that happen here in America!

Oh, no, we have the First Amendment. If we give up freedom of speech, we could end up looking just like Cuba. And that would be a living hell, because they get free healthcare.

So, you know what Ozzie said that was so unforgiveable? He said he loved Castro because, quote, "a lot of people have wanted to kill him for the last 60 years, but that motherf**ker is still here."

So what? It sounds like a line from a Quentin Tarantino movie. Also, it's true. Despite all odds and all logic, Castro still draws breath. He's the political equivalent of Keith Richards.

And, he is a bad-a**. Because we have been trying to kill him for 60 years. It's like me saying, "I love Dick Cheney. God's been trying to kill him since birth, and that motherf**ker is still here."

And, yet, the Marlins' front office felt it necessary to release a statement saying, quote, "The pain and suffering caused by Fidel Castro cannot be minimized."

No, actually, the problem with Castro's evil-ness isn't it being minimized, it's being exaggerated.

Now, has Castro done some bad dictator sh**? Yes. But, can we get some perspective, please, on Fidel Castro? There are worse dictators in Saudi Arabia, Yemen, Oman, Equatorial Guinea and Turkmenistan. And those are just our friends.

Chairman Mao killed 50 million Chinese. Nobody stopped ordering the moo shoo pork.

China is communist. And the last time I checked, oh, every aisle at Walmart, we seem to be trading with them. And they harvest organs from political prisoners while they're still alive. The reason you can buy a flat screen TV at Walmart for 30 bucks is because it's made out of human skin. It didn't start out flat. They starved it.

Was Hosni Mubarak less of a dictator and a torturer than Castro? I doubt it. And we "loved him long time." As we did with the Shah of Iran, and Marcos, Mobutu, Suharto, Pinochet and Saddam Hussein.

We don't stop talking to Vladimir Putin, and he personally poisons people at the dinner table!

And, besides, wasn't Che Guevara the real bad-a** in Cuba? Well, they sell t-shirts with his face at Urban Outfitters. Nobody is apologizing for that.

But, none of that matters. The only thing that matters is that Ozzie Guillen broke one of the great, unspoken rules in American public life: don't f**k with Miama Cubans! Because they're tough.

Well, okay, macho men, the next time you see Castro, just remember exactly what you're so afraid of: [recent slide of old, frail Castro] An 85-year-old retiree in an Adidas track suit.

Who, by the way, if you close one eye, looks exactly like every Jewish grandmother in Miami.

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