New Rule: The State Department doesn't have to warn Americans not to travel to Mali. Hello, we're Americans. We don't know where Mali is. Plus, it's a foreign country, so we're already not going.
Americans hear "Mali," and they think, isn't that one of Obama's daughters?
New Rule: Don't waste this face on reading to children. [slide of President and First Lady Obama reading to children, making dramatic faces] This is your "war face." Smile at the children. Use this face on John Boehner.
You think he cries now? Look at him like this, he'll "bronze" his pants.
New Rule: If the good part of the sweat sock is the gray stuff, why not use it to make the whole sock? I am tired of an America where we're told to lower our expectations and accept less. If we could make a fried-chicken sandwich where the bread is also fried chicken-[slide of sandwich]-we can make an all-gray sweat sock.
New Rule: If North Korea wants us to take their missile program seriously, they can't show us this photo. [slide of control room of North Korean missile launch] This is their Mission Control?! It looks like where the Beatles recorded "Love Me Do."
I've seen more sophisticated technology at a Del Taco drive-through.
Admit it, guys, you're not initiating countdown; you're playing "Pong." [close-up slide shows two scientists looking at "Pong" screen]
New Rule: If you order the new Pizza Hut pizza with the hotdog-stuffed crust you have to pay more for healthcare. And stop acting like this is a new idea. For years, Marcus Bachmann has been telling the delivery guy, "I'd like a wiener in my rim."