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New Rules

New Rule: James Cameron has to get a girlfriend. And leave the ocean alone! He's poked and prodded at this thing so hard you'd think he was a Republican looking for a fetus.

New Rule: If the people promoting the new "Dallas" reboot are really going to make this poster and force us to imagine a group of young people showering with an 80-year-old man, they must rename the show, "Penn State."

New Rule: The new Black Panthers can't be a threat to our nation, our future and our very way of life until they recruit a fourth guy. Every time Fox News orders America to crap its Haggar slacks about the new Black Panthers, they show a picture of the same three guys. There are more black people at the Oscars.

I'm not afraid of any domestic terror group with fewer members than The Spinners.

New Rule: Someone has to tell Ted Turner that his mustache makes him look like he's in a "Got Milk?" ad.

New Rule: You're the Pope in devoutly Catholic Mexico. [slide of Pope wearing sombrero] You don't have to wear a silly hat to make them like you. It's the Holy Trinity, not the "Three Amigos."

[Slide shifts to show chips and guacamole atop sombrero] Although it was a nice touch filling the brim with chips and guacamole.

And, finally, New Rule: The next time someone attacks President Obama for being unfriendly to business, one industry has to stand up and thank him as the best friend they've ever had: America's gun makers.

Over the past four years, fear of a black president has made gun sales shoot through the roof and into the apartment upstairs.

There are now more guns in America than there are people. And if you laid them end to end, Ted Nugent would ejaculate until he dissolved into a pile of dust.

Did you know that Walmart is selling guns again? Happy Easter, motherf**ker!

Now, I believe, of course, that an American should have the right to protect their home, their own home from robbers or rapists or some guy on the Bravo network who wants to redecorate.

So...make no mistake, anyone who breaks into my house and threatens me and my vicious Pomeranians, Gilbert and Sullivan is going to be staring down the barrel of a Franchi SPAS-12 combat shotgun loaded with incendiary rounds. That's right, dirtbag, take one step toward my car elevator and I will set you on fire like a Burmese monk.

That said, my preference is to run away, because killing people is bad karma, and also I have white carpeting.

Now, we can go on and on about hoodies and the "neighborhood watch" guy who looks like Chaz Bono...[slides of Chaz Bono and George Zimmerman]...but, it's not really a discussion until you save some blame for the liberal politicians who unconditionally surrendered in the fight for sensible gun laws. When are they going to stand their ground?

Did you know yesterday that Texas adopted a law allowing you to shoot a deer with a silencer? How is this even a problem? Do you need to take out deer henchmen before they can warn the deer "Evil Genius" in his lair?

It's a deer. You have a gun. It doesn't even have hands. How much more of an "edge" do you need?

Right now, Congress is considering a bill that would forbid the EPA from regulating the lead in bullets. Not that the EPA is regulating the lead in bullets, but it might. And imagine what they could do if they linked up with the deer.

Hunters leave 3,000 tons of lead bullets in America's forests every year, which poisons 20 million birds. Birds that will never know the joy of being blown to pieces by a miserable, chinless f**k-face.

Why can't we even pass a rule against poison bullets? This is a cautionary tale about what happens when the Democrats completely lay down on an issue and let the right get whatever they want. You get insanity.

Arming panicky, untrained vigilantes like George Zimmerman and telling them it's okay to shoot whenever they're afraid, is like dumping all the Milk Bones on the kitchen floor and telling your dog, "Just eat when you're hungry."

"Stand Your Ground," guns in bars, guns in church, guns in the classroom, where does it end? Why not guns in the delivery room? What if my fetus is armed and comes out firing?

Also, I think we should have a "use it or lose it" law. Yeah, where at least once every six months, you have to shoot someone.

After all, isn't that what gun nuts really want? To shoot someone? Otherwise, what's the point of collecting something that just sits on the shelf?

I mean, I collect rare Ming Dynasty opium pipes...but I use them!

The new Black Panthers can't be a threat to our nation, our future and our very way of life until they recruit a fourth guy. Every time Fox News orders America to crap its Haggar slacks about the new Black Panthers, they show a picture of the same three guys. There are more black people at the Oscars.

Episode 243

March 30, 2012