New Rule: James Cameron has to get a girlfriend. And leave the ocean alone! He's poked and prodded at this thing so hard you'd think he was a Republican looking for a fetus.
New Rule: If the people promoting the new "Dallas" reboot are really going to make this poster and force us to imagine a group of young people showering with an 80-year-old man, they must rename the show, "Penn State."
New Rule: The new Black Panthers can't be a threat to our nation, our future and our very way of life until they recruit a fourth guy. Every time Fox News orders America to crap its Haggar slacks about the new Black Panthers, they show a picture of the same three guys. There are more black people at the Oscars.
I'm not afraid of any domestic terror group with fewer members than The Spinners.
New Rule: Someone has to tell Ted Turner that his mustache makes him look like he's in a "Got Milk?" ad.
New Rule: You're the Pope in devoutly Catholic Mexico. [slide of Pope wearing sombrero] You don't have to wear a silly hat to make them like you. It's the Holy Trinity, not the "Three Amigos."
[Slide shifts to show chips and guacamole atop sombrero] Although it was a nice touch filling the brim with chips and guacamole.