Episode 242

March 23, 2012

New Rules

New Rule: You can't wear a blue polo shirt and khakis to Walmart and then get all pissy with me when I mistake you for an employee. And that goes double for the guy in the meat department wearing the bloody smock. So, I thought you worked here. Is that really so much more degrading than you just shopping here?

New Rule: [slide of Muslim "Supreme Leader"] You can't give a speech under a picture of somebody who either is you or looks just like you.

First off, it's confusing. I don't know who to make eye contact with. And second, it's a little conceited. And I expected more humility from a guy who called himself "Supreme Leader."

New Rule: Stop opening banks. Every time a useful business like a dry cleaner or a marijuana dispensary closes, it becomes a bank. They're multiplying faster than Palins!

But, why? We have the Internet. We have ATM's. How many little old ladies with rolls of quarters are there? I've been inside a bank once in ten years. And that was only because I needed a giant, cardboard check. [slide of Maher's "check" to Obama campaign super PAC]

New Rule: The Florida woman who says this cell phone image proves Jesus appeared on her TV screen during an episode of "The Bachelor," must be added to the ticket as Rick Santorum's running mate. [slide shown: "Santorum-Crazy Lady 2012" campaign banner]

The only good thing about Jesus appearing on your TV during "The Bachelor," you can ask him to his face, "Christ, who watches this sh**?!"

New Rule: Now that John Boehner has cried...again, while listening to traditional Irish music at the St. Patrick's Day luncheon...it's not funny anymore. Seriously, John, tell us, where did the priest touch you? Show me on the doll. [slide of anatomically-correct doll]

Learn to co-exist! I find Rush Limbaugh obnoxious, but I have been able to co-exist with him for 20 years by using this simple method: I don't listen to his program. The only time I hear him is when I'm at a stoplight next to a pickup truck.

And finally, New Rule: The left and the right in America have to agree to stop making each other apologize for everything.

This week, Robert De Niro was at a fundraiser with Michelle Obama, and he joked, "Do you think our country is ready for a white First Lady?" A joke so lame Mormons could tell it to each other in the 1950s. But, Newt Gingrich called it "utterly and totally unacceptable." And Rick Santorum said, "It's just sad."

So, De Niro had to apologize to Newt Gingrich, a man who has committed every sin in the Bible except wasting food.

Now...this is why, tonight, I am urging America to seriously consider a "National Day of No Outrage." Just one day out of the year when Hank Williams, Jr. can say some ignorant sh** on Fox News without the "good people" demanding he be thrown off "Monday Night Football."

Yes, he compared Obama to Hitler. But, he -- and this is the crucial part -- is Hank Williams, Jr.! I don't expect cogent political analysis from "Bosephus." Any more than I expect Maureen Dowd to record a song called "Naked Women and Beer."

In the last few years, we have been shocked and outraged by the unbelievable insensitivity of Nike shoes, the Fighting Sioux, the White House Christmas Tree, the White House Christmas Card, burning the Qur'an, apologizing for burning the Qur'an, Don Imus, Tracy Morgan, Gilbert Gottfried, Ashton Kutcher, and the ESPN guy who used the wrong Chinese cliché for Jeremy Lin after everyone else used all the others.

If it weren't for throwing conniption fits, we wouldn't get any exercise at all.

So, here's a crazy idea: from now on, if you see or hear something you don't like in the media, just go on with your life. Turn the page or flip the dial or pick up your roll of quarters and leave the booth.

You know, when the lady at Costco gives you a free sample of their new ham pudding and you don't like it, you spit it into the napkin and keep shopping. You don't declare a holy war on ham!

Learn to co-exist! I find Rush Limbaugh obnoxious, but I have been able to co-exist with him for 20 years by using this simple method: I don't listen to his program.

The only time I hear him is when I'm at a stoplight next to a pickup truck.

I have a theory. I think we're like this because, outside of the military, few of us really do anything for our country. So, we need something to make us feel like we're making a contribution. And that thing is, when given the chance, we help stop BAD PEOPLE! Bad people like Hank Williams and Robert De Niro and, oh, occasionally, Bill Maher.

I don't want to live in a country where no one ever says anything that offends anyone. That's why we have Canada.

But, that's not us. That's not us. Because, you know what you get when you place a premium on never offending anyone and only saying what's safe? You get this guy. [slide of Mitt Romney] "The Least Interesting Man in the World." [slide of Romney with glass of milk and straw]

A man who never takes a position on anything that he cannot reverse in the second half of the same sentence. Like last week when he said, "We may make mistakes as a nation and we'll say we're sorry for that, but apologizing for America is something I will never do."

That's right, Mitt refuses to apologize, and he's very sorry about it.

The "Mitt-Bot 3000" has been programmed to take both sides of every issue everywhere.

For example, his position on pulling out of Afghanistan, he's for it...and also against it. He's strongly "for-gainst" it.

This is the Frankenstein we have created: "Mitt Romney, the Least Interesting Man in the World."

He once said corporations were people, because, compared to him, they are.

When Ambien can't sleep, it takes him.

He once masturbated thinking about the great everyday values at Sears.

Paint...paint watches him dry.

He doesn't always drink beer, but when he does...no, wait, he never does.

Because he is the Least Interesting Man in the World...

Stay boring, my friends.

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