New Rule: You can't wear a blue polo shirt and khakis to Walmart and then get all pissy with me when I mistake you for an employee. And that goes double for the guy in the meat department wearing the bloody smock. So, I thought you worked here. Is that really so much more degrading than you just shopping here?
New Rule: [slide of Muslim "Supreme Leader"] You can't give a speech under a picture of somebody who either is you or looks just like you.
First off, it's confusing. I don't know who to make eye contact with. And second, it's a little conceited. And I expected more humility from a guy who called himself "Supreme Leader."
New Rule: Stop opening banks. Every time a useful business like a dry cleaner or a marijuana dispensary closes, it becomes a bank. They're multiplying faster than Palins!
But, why? We have the Internet. We have ATM's. How many little old ladies with rolls of quarters are there? I've been inside a bank once in ten years. And that was only because I needed a giant, cardboard check. [slide of Maher's "check" to Obama campaign super PAC]
New Rule: The Florida woman who says this cell phone image proves Jesus appeared on her TV screen during an episode of "The Bachelor," must be added to the ticket as Rick Santorum's running mate. [slide shown: "Santorum-Crazy Lady 2012" campaign banner]
The only good thing about Jesus appearing on your TV during "The Bachelor," you can ask him to his face, "Christ, who watches this sh**?!"
New Rule: Now that John Boehner has cried...again, while listening to traditional Irish music at the St. Patrick's Day luncheon...it's not funny anymore. Seriously, John, tell us, where did the priest touch you? Show me on the doll. [slide of anatomically-correct doll]