Maherisms:

"There's a new iPad out...People are going nuts for this thing...And, today, Mitt Romney said, 'It's a flat piece of white plastic. If you can love it, why not me?'" -Bill Maher

"I love 'March Madness.' The only place where you'll ever hear the phrase, 'Kansas is advancing.'" -Bill Maher

"Rick Santorum said this week that his 12-year-old could out-reason me about God. Look, I am not about to debate a home-schooled 12-year-old. I have enough trouble with Sarah Palin." -Bill Maher

"You'd know if I was the de-facto leader of the Democratic Party, because you'd go down to Walgreen's and buy a pack of blunts." -Bill Maher

"The proportionality of what has happened to America because of unemployment and housing makes everything else look like a flea on a dog's ass." -Dylan Ratigan

"'The Lorax,'...it's a mythical, woodland creature, right, who's for saving trees. He speaks for the trees because no one else can. Kind of the way conservatives speak for fetuses." -Bill Maher

On Pelosi's Recent Documents and Entitlements:

"You talk about 'Obama is going to herd us into FEMA brainwashing camps.' Maybe your brain needs a little washing." -Bill Maher

"These guys need 200 bucks to get some food...There's $70 billion in the budget last year for food stamps...The defense budget was $700 billion. Big difference between $70 billion and $700 billion." -Alexandra Pelosi

"When I see the toothless guy, as a liberal, what I say is, 'I want to help you get teeth.' Why does that make me an a**hole?" -Bill Maher

"We need a better strategy for poor people...because what we're doing isn't working." -Mayor Mick Cornett

On Gas Prices:

"Newt Gingrich...is absolutely for bombing Iran and for lowering gas prices. And I've just to say, you can't be for both. They are diametrically opposed." -Bill Maher

"The president should take some heat for the higher gas prices. He's not doing everything he can to increase domestic production." -Mayor Mick Cornett

"We have a global economy, growing economies in China and India and other developing middle classes that compete with the United States for gas. The president just does not have magical powers." -Amy Holmes

On Afghanistan:

"To me, what goes on in Afghanistan at this point is divided between the discouraging and the unspeakable." -Bill Maher

"I'd rather we were rebuilding Philadelphia, as opposed to Kabul...There are American cities with serious infrastructure problems and we're not addressing them." -Mayor Mick Cornett

"The first half of Vietnam was fought to win the war, and the second half of Vietnam was soldiers going haywire without a mission, getting further and further towards our friend, Captain Kurtz and our friends at 'Apocalypse Now.'" -Dylan Ratigan

On Goldman Sachs:

"I'm not even a client of Goldman Sachs. What about the people who got fucked and they're not even clients?" -Bill Maher

"How much are we going to take? This is gambling in Casablanca...this is a joke...we know that the banking system is corrupt. Everybody knows it." -Dylan Ratigan

"They're screwing their customers. They're selling them stuff they know is shit." -Bill Maher