New Rule: If Irish Americans can manage to celebrate their heritage in just one day, then Southerners should be able to do so also. That's right, instead of spending the whole year flying the Confederate flag and saying the South will rise again, you get just one day. We'll call it "St. Cracker's Day." And we even have the t-shirt. [slide shown of girl wearing shirt with wording: "Kiss Me, I'm Yer Sister."]
New Rule: Donald Trump must move over. [slide of Donald Trump, Jr. in Africa] There's an even bigger douchebag in the family. Don Jr. traveled all the way to Africa, not to open a school or to deliver medicine, but to kill and mutilate a majestic elephant. You see, the problem with cutting off an elephant's tail, is then you can see the a**hole. He's the one holding the knife.
New Rule: Don't tell me we can't treat alcoholics with LSD. Even if it doesn't work, it'll make the meetings more interesting. If you don't think there's a place for acid in treating alcoholism, you've never seen "Liza with a Z." [slide of Liza Minnelli]
New Rule: Now that he's added $2.50 gasoline to his logo, Newt Gingrich must really "own it." And that means leaving the Republicans, finding that guy, Jimmy McMillan from the "Rent is Too Damn High" Party...[slide of "SNL" character]...and forming the brand new "Gas is Too Damn High" Party! [slide combines Gingrich/McMillan images into one]
New Rule: If an actor gets so much plastic surgery that they're not quite the same person, they have to change their name so it's not quite the same name. [slides of celebrities with much plastic surgery accompany these examples] Example: Did you see "Lindsay Lowland" on "SNL"? No, I was watching an "Arthur Schwarzenegger" movie.
Which one was that? You know, the one with "Dicky Rourke" and "Sylvester Stallion."