New Rule: [slide of quarter and "George Washington" chicken nugget] Don't pay $8,000 for a McNugget that looks like George Washington. At least until you have Sarah Palin authenticate it.
She could tell you if it really resembles the "father of country music," the man "who won the war on Christmas," "crossed the Danube," "signed the Declaration of Constitution," "and accepted the surrender of Cornwallis at Funky Town."
Now, Newt Gingrich is a historian also, but don’t show it to him; he'll just eat it.
[slide of Newt Gingrich apparently asleep] Speaking of Newt, stop saying Newt Gingrich fell asleep while on camera. He wasn't sleeping. He had merely put his massive brain into "standby" mode. Either that or future wife number four was doing something just below frame.
New Rule: Just for sh**s and giggles, John McCain must make a speech on the Senate floor where he calls on America to NOT bomb someone. This week, McCain said we needed to bomb Syria, because he's John McCain, and it's a country, duh!
John McCain thinks countries need bombing like your waiter thinks food needs fresh pepper.
Remember how we let John Glenn go into space when he was 77? We should let McCain fly one more airstrike. He's only 75. Let him do it. Then, when he crashes, we can send John Glenn to rescue him, and Ed Harris can play them both in the movie! [slides of Ed Harris in "Game Change" and "The Right Stuff"]
New Rule: Newly-elected Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin must teach our leaders this trick of smiling with your lips while saying "I will kill you" with your eyes.
New Rule: Conservatives must stop saying the intent of "The Lorax" is to brainwash children with a liberal, anti-industrialist message. The intent of "The Lorax" is to make fun of John Bolton. [slides of Bolton and The Lorax]