Episode 240

March 9, 2012

New Rules

New Rule: [slide of quarter and "George Washington" chicken nugget] Don't pay $8,000 for a McNugget that looks like George Washington. At least until you have Sarah Palin authenticate it.

She could tell you if it really resembles the "father of country music," the man "who won the war on Christmas," "crossed the Danube," "signed the Declaration of Constitution," "and accepted the surrender of Cornwallis at Funky Town."

Now, Newt Gingrich is a historian also, but don’t show it to him; he'll just eat it.

[slide of Newt Gingrich apparently asleep] Speaking of Newt, stop saying Newt Gingrich fell asleep while on camera. He wasn't sleeping. He had merely put his massive brain into "standby" mode. Either that or future wife number four was doing something just below frame.

New Rule: Just for sh**s and giggles, John McCain must make a speech on the Senate floor where he calls on America to NOT bomb someone. This week, McCain said we needed to bomb Syria, because he's John McCain, and it's a country, duh!

John McCain thinks countries need bombing like your waiter thinks food needs fresh pepper.

Remember how we let John Glenn go into space when he was 77? We should let McCain fly one more airstrike. He's only 75. Let him do it. Then, when he crashes, we can send John Glenn to rescue him, and Ed Harris can play them both in the movie! [slides of Ed Harris in "Game Change" and "The Right Stuff"]

New Rule: Newly-elected Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin must teach our leaders this trick of smiling with your lips while saying "I will kill you" with your eyes.

New Rule: Conservatives must stop saying the intent of "The Lorax" is to brainwash children with a liberal, anti-industrialist message. The intent of "The Lorax" is to make fun of John Bolton. [slides of Bolton and The Lorax]

Remember how we let John Glenn go into space when he was 77? We should let McCain fly one more airstrike. He's only 75. Let him do it. Then, when he crashes, we can send John Glenn to rescue him, and Ed Harris can play them both in the movie!

And, finally, New Rule: As someone who is so anti-knowledge, Rick Santorum must learn what the word "Catholic" means. It means "universal." It means "interested in everything."

Columbus crossed an ocean to bring Christianity to the new world, and it's been all downhill for Italian cruise ship captains ever since.

The Taliban may want to live in the eighth century, but the Christian right wants to go back even further, to Adam and Eve. Who screwed it up for everybody when they ate an apple from the Tree of Knowledge. As soon as they did that, those two were, like, "Wow, we're naked and alone; let's f**k." Which I call a happy ending.

But, I bring up the old tale of the poisoned apple -- no, not "Snow White," that's a fairytale because the "Adam and Eve" story is taken literally by half the country, and it's no coincidence that the type of tree which God forbade Adam and Eve eating from was the Tree of Knowledge.

Rick Santorum home-schools his children because he does not want them eating that f**king apple. He wants them locked up in the Christian madrasa that is the family living room, not out in public where they could be infected by the virus of reason.

If you're a kid and the only adults you've ever met are mom and dad...well, then they're also the smartest adults you've ever met. Why not keep it that way? Why mess up paradise with a lot of knowledge?

After all, a mind is a terrible thing to open.

This is also why Rick Santorum doesn't care much for college. It leads to indoctrination, he says. And I agree. It indoctrinates you into the world of ideas. Now, some of those ideas are mundane, like how you can get drunk by pouring vodka into your eyeball.

But, college is also where young minds are exposed to information that challenges the fairytales of childhood. Oh, it's a despicable process where they first open a young mind and then they start introducing facts.

"I mean, it's one thing when they came for our Bibles, but then they came for our guns. But, please don't come for our bullsh**!"

What people like Rick Santorum are afraid of is that their child will take a class in evolutionary biology and think, "Whoa, turns out what dad told me is a crock." "Jesus didn't ride a dinosaur."

To the religious right, the scariest three words are not, "Look out, pitbull!" or "The ship's sinking!" or "Bill Maher's on!" Or "Low-carb diet."

The scariest three words to them are, "Here's an idea..."

You know, ideas, they are the kind of thing you can catch in college, no matter how many condoms you put in your ears. Explaining how college ruins minds, Rick Santorum said that more than 60% of kids who enter college committed to religious faith graduate without the same commitment. Translation: there is an inverse relationship between knowledge and superstition.

His solution: ban knowledge. It's like the Republican theory on sex education: teach abstinence only. Don't even expose them to the real world. Just dress them in sexless, frontier outfits and hope they never see MTV or Google "Santorum."

Or catch on that morning sex on Sunday beats church every time.

But, relax, parents, if your son comes home spouting disrespectful nonsense and acting like a drug addict, it's not because he's been to college. It's because he's been listening to Rush Limbaugh.

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