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New Rules

New Rule: Now that Snooki is pregnant, somebody has to ask Rick Santorum, are you still against contraception?

New Rule: In a related New Rule, now that this picture of an openly-gay Marine's homecoming kiss has gone viral, it has to be included with this picture...[slide of the Obamas]...and this picture...[slide of girl with condom]...in the new coffee-table book-[slide of book]-101 Ways to Make Rick Santorum Throw Up.

New Rule: Sheriff Joe Arpaio can't expect to get any credibility investigating the president's birth certificate if he insists on calling the investigators his "posse." Arpaio's self-appointed cold-case-posse reported yesterday that Obama's birth certificate might be a forgery. Well, good thing they cleared that up. Whoever heard of a posse being unfair to a black man?

New Rule: Stop acting surprised that Stephen Hawking likes to hang out at a sex club in San Bernardino. True. It was in the news. The guy spends all day solving the mysteries of the universe. Can you blame him if sometimes he just wants to kick back and watch fat guys f**k each other's wives on an air mattress?

New Rule: Storm chasers have to understand something. When you're out there on the hunt, getting as close to the beast as you can, we're kind of hoping it hits you. Seriously, get a life. It's not like you're doing vital research. You just live in Oklahoma and have nothing better to do. It's time to take the gadgets off your van and remember why you bought it in the first place: to have a place to duct-tape women.

And finally, New Rule: President Obama must stand up and thank the man who's been out there day after day tirelessly helping his campaign: Rick Santorum. 

Every time I turn on the news, "Christ-y McSweatervest" has just said something crazier than the last crazy thing he said. He said JFK makes him want to throw up. Not the man, the airport! Because if God had wanted man to fly, he wouldn't have made flight attendants so gay.

He says climate change is just a big hoax. You know, like Bigfoot or the female orgasm.  

He thinks condoms are not okay, which means he's either a religious nut, or he's never heard of lube.

If Rick Santorum is your youth minister, you'd ask your parents to switch you to the one who just molests. 

So, yes, "Little Ricky" sure is good for comedy. And that Mitt Romney is no slouch, either. Porn stars don't change positions as much as this guy.  

He's had five years to practice running for president, and he still starts every sentence with, "From my perspective as an obscenely wealthy man..." He might have fired thousands of people, but when it comes to comedy writing, trust me, he's a job creator.  

So...maybe that's why everywhere I go lately -- the supermarket, the dry cleaners, the withdrawal window at my bank -- [he mock-sobs] -- people all say the same thing to me: "May I have some money?"

But, after that, they say, "Obama is going to crush these clowns. It's going to be the biggest landslide since..." And then their voices trail off because they don't know any history.  

Because history shows that many times the joke candidate is the one who ends up winning. And you don't even have to go all the way back to that a**hole Millard Fillmore to verify this. Just think about the year 2000 when gas was 12 cents a gallon and the Internet was powered by steam and George W. Bush, the town drunk of Texas, decided he should try his hand at some "presidentin'."  

And, oh how we laughed. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. He was up against super-smart Al Gore, America's one-man Genius Bar. It was I.Q. vs. Barbecue.  

But, as we know, Bush won...twice. And Al Gore is now running a TV station that you only get if you order the "Just Give Me Every Damn Channel in the World" package.  

Or, take back in 1968, the idea of Ronald Reagan as president was so ridiculous, it was a running gag on "Laugh-In." Right along with the one they did about an Asian basketball player. Even that!

Yes, the Republicans may look harmless and fragmented now. But, much like a dismembered monster in a slasher movie, soon the hand will start crawling towards the arm, and then the whole ghoulish creature will reassemble itself.

Yes, Obama could lose. And, in fact, in the swing states, which are the only states that matter, he is losing in this week's Gallup poll, to both Romney and Santorum. Fifty-nine percent of Americans think the country is on the wrong track. And that's before they gave away the Best Picture Award to some silent, French movie where nothing blows up! 

I often talk about how conservatives are in a bubble, but liberals have their bubble, too. And inside it, Obama is a shoe-in, because the Republicans are just so ridiculously out of touch.

Well, they may be out of touch with you, but, believe me, they're in touch with your brother-in-law in rural Pennsylvania. He doesn't hear Rick Santorum warn that homosexuality can lead to bestiality and say, "Why, that's absurd!" He hears Rick Santorum say that, and tells his wife, "Honey, keep Cousin Glen away from the cat."

History shows that many times the joke candidate is the one who ends up winning. And you don't even have to go all the way back to that a**hole Millard Fillmore to verify this. Just think about the year 2000 when gas was 12 cents a gallon and the Internet was powered by steam and George W. Bush, the town drunk of Texas, decided he should try his hand at some "presidentin'."

Episode 239

March 2, 2012