New Rule: Now that Snooki is pregnant, somebody has to ask Rick Santorum, are you still against contraception?
New Rule: In a related New Rule, now that this picture of an openly-gay Marine's homecoming kiss has gone viral, it has to be included with this picture...[slide of the Obamas]...and this picture...[slide of girl with condom]...in the new coffee-table book-[slide of book]-101 Ways to Make Rick Santorum Throw Up.
New Rule: Sheriff Joe Arpaio can't expect to get any credibility investigating the president's birth certificate if he insists on calling the investigators his "posse." Arpaio's self-appointed cold-case-posse reported yesterday that Obama's birth certificate might be a forgery. Well, good thing they cleared that up. Whoever heard of a posse being unfair to a black man?
New Rule: Stop acting surprised that Stephen Hawking likes to hang out at a sex club in San Bernardino. True. It was in the news. The guy spends all day solving the mysteries of the universe. Can you blame him if sometimes he just wants to kick back and watch fat guys f**k each other's wives on an air mattress?
New Rule: Storm chasers have to understand something. When you're out there on the hunt, getting as close to the beast as you can, we're kind of hoping it hits you. Seriously, get a life. It's not like you're doing vital research. You just live in Oklahoma and have nothing better to do. It's time to take the gadgets off your van and remember why you bought it in the first place: to have a place to duct-tape women.