Episode 238

February 17, 2012

New Rules

New Rule: [slide of ultra-tiny chameleon] Just to put it into perspective, the world's tiniest chameleon must stand next to the world's biggest chameleon. [slide of Mitt Romney]

New Rule: Stop acting like the "coupling shirt," the new clothing with hand-slits so women can reach in and touch their man...is some sort of new idea. Men have had these slits for years. It's called "the fly."

New Rule: The fashion industry must tell us which of their designers are gay men who genuinely love fashion, and which are straight guys who couldn't get laid in high school, so now they have hot women parade around in ridiculous get-ups.

New Rule: There are only two more Jeremy Lin puns left. [slides of sports magazine covers accompany these headlines] "Peking Dunk." And "Moo Goo Guy Slam." Those are the only two. That is it. And before you say anything, I draw the line at "Rice Capades." I do.

New Rule: The Westminster Dog Show must reevaluate its criteria. [slide of winning Pekingese] This photo doesn't say "best in show." It says, "Oh, look, Don King dropped his hairpiece."

If Mitt Romney really wants to win over conservative voters, he has to one-up Jan Brewer and spit on Obama's shoes.

And finally, New Rule: If Mitt Romney really wants to win over conservative voters, he has to one-up Jan Brewer and spit on Obama's shoes.

From Bill O'Reilly interrupting the president 48 times in a 15-minute interview, to Joe Wilson heckling him in a speech before Congress, to Arizona governor Jan Brewer sticking a finger in his face, something unprecedented is happening in the way conservatives disrespect this president.

And I'm not talking about mere words uttered hundreds or thousands of miles away. Sean Hannity can say whatever he wants. Nobody looks to him as a model human being, or even a human being.

And, I, of course, am very guilty, or actually proud, of innumerable insults to former President Bush. Calling him "a rube," "a cypher," "a sh** kicker," "a yokel on the world stage," "a catastrophe that walks like a man," "the cowboy from 'Toy Story,'" "Drinky McDumbass" and "President Larry the Cable Guy." And then in Season Two...

But, I didn't call him that to his face. Nor would I if I had the chance. And that is the difference.

Now, the deal we have always had with presidents is that we smile and talk nice to them when they're in front of us, and then we cut them down and say horrible, nasty things behind their backs.

This has always worked for eighth grade girls. And it's always worked for the United States of America.

But, there's something about this president that makes conservatives think it's okay to go ape-sh** in his presence. They didn't do this to Carter, an actual pacifist, or Clinton, who really did have a plan for universal healthcare, or LBJ, who actually made it easier for poor people to vote and eat. All of them clearly evil, America-haters.

But, they got treated with a modicum of respect, at least to their faces. Not Obama.

What can it be that's different about him? It's either his race, or it's your brain chemistry, or it's something that happened when your dad spanked you and you liked it, and you were looking at a box of Cream of Wheat.

I don't know. I'm not a therapist. Maybe it's not race. I don't know what's in people's hearts. Except Newt Gingrich. I know what's in his heart. Lust and cheese fries.

But, this type of in-the-room, in-your-face, in-your-space disrespect is new. Admit that and I will admit that, of course, something like impeaching Clinton was far more serious. But, it was also at least in some ways more respectful. It was done with high pomp, through official channels, and was all about the rule of law.

And the Chief Justice wore a special robe he got from a musical or something.

And somehow, that is a lot more respectful than this. Not that if Obama ever did anything like what Clinton did he would even be alive. Can you imagine what they would do if they found out Obama had sex with a White House intern on Easter? Talk about "colored eggs"! Yi-yi. He would have been impeached two times, one for each testicle.

This president has had to be the "Caesar's wife" of Pennsylvania Avenue, the Jackie Robinson of American politics. Never reacting to the taunts from the stands.

But, after you do this to try to get his goat, what's next? A wedgie? A "purple nurple"? Governor Brewer said she did this because she felt threatened. Right. Like Obama ran his finger down her blouse and said, "Yeah, you my white princess."

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