New Rule: [slide of ultra-tiny chameleon] Just to put it into perspective, the world's tiniest chameleon must stand next to the world's biggest chameleon. [slide of Mitt Romney]
New Rule: Stop acting like the "coupling shirt," the new clothing with hand-slits so women can reach in and touch their man...is some sort of new idea. Men have had these slits for years. It's called "the fly."
New Rule: The fashion industry must tell us which of their designers are gay men who genuinely love fashion, and which are straight guys who couldn't get laid in high school, so now they have hot women parade around in ridiculous get-ups.
New Rule: There are only two more Jeremy Lin puns left. [slides of sports magazine covers accompany these headlines] "Peking Dunk." And "Moo Goo Guy Slam." Those are the only two. That is it. And before you say anything, I draw the line at "Rice Capades." I do.
New Rule: The Westminster Dog Show must reevaluate its criteria. [slide of winning Pekingese] This photo doesn't say "best in show." It says, "Oh, look, Don King dropped his hairpiece."