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New Rules

New Rule: It is not a tell-all if we already knew. [slide of new book about JFK intern's affair] Thanks "woman who's come forward 50 years later to tell us JFK liked to get laid." Good to know. Thanks especially for the details, like how he once made you blow his friend. Which confirms my long-held theory of a "second shooter."

New Rule: Nothing your baby does is worth updating Facebook about. In 5,000 years of human history, babies have done exactly three interesting things: being born from a virgin, becoming Superman after arriving from their doomed home world in a rocket, and getting eaten by a dingo.

The other stuff? Hugging the dog, spilling the food, saying rude stuff by accident, are just things I do when I'm drunk.

New Rule: You can mess with my weather, you can poison my air. But, when an unprecedented drought in Mexico results in the near total destruction of this year's marijuana crop...global warming, now it's personal.

New Rule: Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone must drop the story that they were both in the hospital for shoulder replacement surgeries and admit they're part of a super-secret experiment to create a Republican who can beat Obama.

"Sylvestenegger" will combine the patriotism of "Rambo" with the indestructibility of "The Terminator." Scientists are still looking for a third donor to provide the brain, but in the meantime, are confident he can capture the nomination as is.

New Rule: [slide of slack-rope gymnast with Madonna performing at Super Bowl] I'm still not exactly sure what this is, but never do it again. Ouch! After seeing that, even Madonna's balls still hurt.

And finally, New Rule: The GOP candidates must save us all a lot of time by just telling us which parts of America they don't hate.

You know, so many Republicans nowadays speak with unbridled disgust for America's "East Coast elites" and "San Francisco liberals" and the "Hollywood cesspool," and the "Inside-the-Beltway mentality," and "Chicago-style politics." And then they accuse Obama of dividing America.

They say, "How can we be one nation under God if Democrats keep talking about the two Americas and the haves and have-nots, and the 99% versus the 1%?"

But, there are two Americas. We are a nation of haves and have-nots. And when it comes to dividing America, it's Republicans who, in recent years, have carved out a nation into two distinct territories. There's the heartland and then there's the rest of the country, a vast, nightmarish wasteland of college professors, museums and people who recycle.

I mean...just think of the list of these parts of America the Republicans are publicly b**ching about: Chicago, that lawless hellhole where Obama learned how to "thug"; Hawaii, the state liberals made up so Obama could become president.

Hollywood and San Francisco and...oh, f**k it, let's just say all of California...except for Orange County and the sh**ty parts of the Valley.

I mean, just mention Massachusetts with a big eye-roll, and it's an automatic applause break at the CPAC convention. "Taxachusetts!" Yeah, you mean the state that's number one in education, number one in health coverage? And is basically where our country started? Yeah, screw them.

Honestly, if Sarah Palin were president, and terrorists struck New York again, she would say two things. First, "Is Mount Rushmore okay?" And, two, "Well, at least they didn't hit the 'real' America."

Democrats don't do this. Jerry Brown doesn't stand under the Hollywood sign and say, "Now, I don't know if this will play in...Texas!...or down on the farms where they have no values and f**k chickens...But, you here in Hollywood are the real Americans." It never happens.

Pretty soon, the only parts of America acceptable to the right will be Boise, Idaho, Branson, Missouri, and a nursing home in Florida with the six remaining Cubans who still give a shit about Castro.

And yet, somehow, they keep finding more parts of America to hate. Last week, Newt Gingrich blasted New York elites who, quote, "live in high-rises and ride the subway." I sh** you not. Newt Gingrich called the subway "elitist."

Because that's the ultimate in hoity-toity travel -- if you're able to smell pee while a vagrant presses his d**k against your thigh, I mean, subway riders, they think they're so great, packed a**-to-crotch in a shrieking, creaking, lurching, airless, underground tube! Why don't they travel like real Americans? On a spaceship to the moon.

Now...and, mind you, Newt made these comments while in Las Vegas. In Las Vegas, he said elitists live in high-rises. Unlike real Americans who live in pyramids, pirate ships, castles and the canals of Venice.

Yes, Newt and his fellow Republicans are deep patriots who can't stop loving America, except for the American people; they don't really care for those freaks at all.

And especially not elitists. And anyone who's ever learned a foreign language, visited a foreign nation or read a book that wasn't about a five-year-old going to heaven, is an elitist.

Because you know where people read, don't you?

The subway.

Nothing your baby does is worth updating Facebook about. In 5,000 years of human history, babies have done exactly three interesting things: being born from a virgin, becoming Superman after arriving from their doomed home world in a rocket, and getting eaten by a dingo.

Episode 237

February 10, 2012