New Rule: It is not a tell-all if we already knew. [slide of new book about JFK intern's affair] Thanks "woman who's come forward 50 years later to tell us JFK liked to get laid." Good to know. Thanks especially for the details, like how he once made you blow his friend. Which confirms my long-held theory of a "second shooter."
New Rule: Nothing your baby does is worth updating Facebook about. In 5,000 years of human history, babies have done exactly three interesting things: being born from a virgin, becoming Superman after arriving from their doomed home world in a rocket, and getting eaten by a dingo.
The other stuff? Hugging the dog, spilling the food, saying rude stuff by accident, are just things I do when I'm drunk.
New Rule: You can mess with my weather, you can poison my air. But, when an unprecedented drought in Mexico results in the near total destruction of this year's marijuana crop...global warming, now it's personal.
New Rule: Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone must drop the story that they were both in the hospital for shoulder replacement surgeries and admit they're part of a super-secret experiment to create a Republican who can beat Obama.
"Sylvestenegger" will combine the patriotism of "Rambo" with the indestructibility of "The Terminator." Scientists are still looking for a third donor to provide the brain, but in the meantime, are confident he can capture the nomination as is.
New Rule: [slide of slack-rope gymnast with Madonna performing at Super Bowl] I'm still not exactly sure what this is, but never do it again. Ouch! After seeing that, even Madonna's balls still hurt.