New Rule: Stop feeling bad for the "Fear Factor" contestants whose challenge was to drink a sample of donkey semen. And start feeling bad for the production assistant whose job it was to retrieve the sample. [slide of donkey] And that’s the actual donkey.
New Rule: [slide of Newt Gingrich's three wives] In the unlikely event that Newt Gingrich becomes president, his current wife, Calista, must be referred to as the Third Lady.
New Rule: From now on, America must decide its president like it decides everything else, with a singing competition. First up, Mitt Romney. [clip shown of Romney singing, "America the Beautiful"] And now our reigning champion, Barack Obama. [clip shown of Obama singing Al Green's "I'm So in Love with You"]
New Rule: If Joan and Melissa Rivers start doing bong hits, Cheech and Chong get to go to the Oscars and insult celebrities' clothes. Joan, sweetheart, just say no! Hollywood doesn't need an 80-year-old, blond, stoned lady. We've got Lindsay Lohan.
New Rule: Someone must make an elevator button that shocks you if you press it more than once. As any woman will tell you, you can jab your finger at it all you like, it won't make it come any faster.