New Rule: In order to save everybody's time, next year the Academy must just tell us which films are NOT nominated for Best Picture. Sorry, "Tower Heist" and "The Green Hornet"...and congratulations to everyone else.
Let's remember what the movies have become for most Americans: an air-conditioned place to spend the day because the sheriff has foreclosed on your home.
New Rule: Glenn Close must make a movie where she plays Meryl Streep. Then I could skip them both at the same time. Although, if I was in a hotel with pay-per-view porn, I could probably get tricked into watching "Albert Nobbs [Knobs] the Iron Lady."
New Rule: Stop trying to make me care that Pat Sajak hosted "Wheel of Fortune" drunk. So what? He's not an airline pilot. He tells people whose turn it is.
The important thing is that no contestants were drinking. Because the last thing anyone wants to see is someone "drunk behind the wheel."
New Rule: Teenagers on the Internet--[slide of Miley Cyrus licking "penis birthday cake"]--this is the biggest thing on the Internet--teenagers on the Internet have to stop complaining that Miley Cyrus is licking the wrong end of her penis cake. Trust me, kids, when you get a little older, you'll realize she's actually licking the right end.
New Rule: Whoever sent me that Groupon deal for 52% off TV hosting classes in Glendale can suck it. I'm not saying what I do is rocket science, but you can't learn it in a one-day workshop for $74. I don't care what Elisabeth Hasselbeck says.