New Rule: In order to save everybody's time, next year the Academy must just tell us which films are NOT nominated for Best Picture. Sorry, "Tower Heist" and "The Green Hornet"...and congratulations to everyone else.
Let's remember what the movies have become for most Americans: an air-conditioned place to spend the day because the sheriff has foreclosed on your home.
New Rule: Glenn Close must make a movie where she plays Meryl Streep. Then I could skip them both at the same time. Although, if I was in a hotel with pay-per-view porn, I could probably get tricked into watching "Albert Nobbs [Knobs] the Iron Lady."
New Rule: Stop trying to make me care that Pat Sajak hosted "Wheel of Fortune" drunk. So what? He's not an airline pilot. He tells people whose turn it is.
The important thing is that no contestants were drinking. Because the last thing anyone wants to see is someone "drunk behind the wheel."
New Rule: Teenagers on the Internet--[slide of Miley Cyrus licking "penis birthday cake"]--this is the biggest thing on the Internet--teenagers on the Internet have to stop complaining that Miley Cyrus is licking the wrong end of her penis cake. Trust me, kids, when you get a little older, you'll realize she's actually licking the right end.
New Rule: Whoever sent me that Groupon deal for 52% off TV hosting classes in Glendale can suck it. I'm not saying what I do is rocket science, but you can't learn it in a one-day workshop for $74. I don't care what Elisabeth Hasselbeck says.
And finally, New Rule: Before the next Republican accuses President Obama of taking his cues from Saul Alinsky, he has to answer two questions. One, why would you invite my outrage by suggesting such a specious link between our president and Saul Alinsky? And, two, who the f**k is Saul Alinsky?!
You know, I never paid attention to that name when Glenn Beck used to say it, because he was wearing lederhosen and standing on his desk. But, now it's gone mainstream. Newt Gingrich recently said, "The centerpiece of this campaign is American exceptionalism versus the radicalism of Saul Alinsky." To which the woman in the car with him replied, "Let go of my hair, you're hurting me."
Which still doesn't tell me who Saul Alinsky is. But, if Newt hates him, he's probably a divorce lawyer.
Now, I know liberals think I'm making this all up because they're outside the conservative bubble. But, trust me, inside the bubble, it is an article of faith that liberals take their marching orders from someone named Saul Alinsky. We wake up in the morning, kiss our Saul Alinsky poster, recite a passage from the Saul Alinsky manifesto and pat our dog, "Solly."
But, again, I don't know who this person is! Alinsky? He either fixed the 1919 World Series or co-wrote "Do the Locomotion."
You could waterboard me and I would still be pulling stuff out of my a**.
I even asked SIRI, the voice in my phone, "Who is Saul Alinsky?" She said, "F**k if I know!" SIRI said that.
So, I Wikipediad the guy. Instantly, I discovered the problem. He liked black people. Way back in the thirties, he started organizing the Civil Rights movement. And, as a historian like Newt Gingrich will tell you, the Civil Rights movement turned out to be a huge burden on white people.
Alinsky also fought slumlords and taught poor people to band together to improve their lives. Or what Mitt Romney calls, "a divider."
So, I tried skipping to the part where he and Obama became "BFF's." But, that part never happened since he died when Obama was ten. And yet, somehow it turns out that this guy, who was never a communist or even a socialist, has become the right wing's all-encompassing figure of evil: a radical activist who controls Barack Obama from the grave.
You know, Republicans have created this completely fictional president. His name is Barack X. And he's an Islamo-socialist revolutionary who is coming for your guns, raising your taxes, slashing the military, apologizing to other countries, and taking his cues from Europe, or worse yet, Saul Alinsky!
And this is how politics has changed. You used to have to run against an actual candidate. But, now, you just recreate him inside the bubble and run against your new fictional candidate. That's how Bush won in 2004, by running against John Kerry, "a French war criminal."
And, speaking of Bush, I know conservatives are saying, "Oh, Bill, come on, Democrats did the same thing to him." No. Say what you will about the left's hatred of Bush. At least we were hating on the real guy.
We didn't invent a bogeyman who tanked the economy, took us to war on false pretenses and tortured prisoners. That was the actual guy.
But, run down the list of complaints about "fantasy Obama": he wants to raise your taxes, even though he's lowered them.
Confiscate your guns, even though he's never mentioned it.
And read terrorists their rights. Yeah, like he did Tuesday in Somalia.
And look what Gingrich said about him this month:
[Clip shown from Rebuplican Debate]
Newt Gingrich: Tells you everything you need to know about the difference between Barack Obama and the five of us, that we actually think work is good.
[Back to live]
Maher: Yes, Obama is anti-work. You remember the bill he championed, the "Grab a Corona and Call in Sick Act."
You see, the difference is the Republicans' hatred of Obama is based on a paranoid feeling about what he might do, what he's thinking, what he secretly wants to change. Anger with Bush was based on what he actually did.
What Bush was thinking didn't matter. Because he wasn't.
Stop trying to make me care that Pat Sajak hosted "Wheel of Fortune" drunk. So what? He's not an airline pilot. He tells people whose turn it is. The important thing is that no contestants were drinking. Because the last thing anyone wants to see is someone "drunk behind the wheel."
January 27, 2012