Episode 234

January 20, 2012

New Rules

New Rule: Someone has to tell Francesco Schettino that embracing a callous policy of "every man for himself" doesn't make you a sea captain. It makes you the Republican nominee.

New Rule: If the new guy at work shows up with a camera crew, you're on "Undercover Boss." Not to put too fine a point on it, but it's highly unlikely there's a documentary called "Fifty-Year-Old Guy in a Wig's First Day at Petco."

New Rule: Whoever built the Martin Luther King memorial has to knock it down and start over. Mention Dr. King and who doesn't think of a giant white man coming out of a rock? This doesn't make me think "I have a dream," it makes me think, "Release the Kraken."

New Rule: If you've purchase the Ostrich Nap Pillow, which is basically a padded sack you stick your head in to sleep at your desk, you can show the receipt instead of a passport to prove you're an American. Yes, the Ostrich Nap Pillow, because nothing reinforces a boss' confidence more than an employee looking like they have their head up a rectum.

New Rule: The NAACP must take Newt Gingrich up on his offer to stand in front of their convention and tell them why black people should want jobs instead of food stamps. This way I can finally answer a question that's been bugging me for years: can Newt Gingrich run?

New Rule: The Southern lady from the Food Network whose recipes all include a stick of butter, bacon, mayonnaise, cheese, sugar, donut holes, ground beef, stew meat, heavy cream and more bacon, doesn't have to tell us she has Type-2 diabetes because I flipped by your show once and saw what you were cooking, and now I have Type-2 diabetes.

Whoever built the Martin Luther King memorial has to knock it down and start over. Mention Dr. King and who doesn't think of a giant white man coming out of a rock? This doesn't make me think "I have a dream," it makes me think, "Release the Kraken."

And finally, New Rule: Mitt Romney has to start understanding why people don't like him. It's not because he's rich. It's how he got rich. Now, here are some other rich guys. [slides accompany] Here's Henry Ford with his Model T. Walt Disney with an early cartoon idea. Jobs and Wozniak with their first desktop.

Now, here's Mitt and his partners in Bain, starring in "Snow White and the Seven F***-Faces." [slide shows Bain partners with cash in hands and mouths]

You see what the first three have that Mitt doesn't? A product. Something they made besides money. You know, venture capitalists are not creators. They're businessmen who find weak companies and prey on them. And Mitt can't understand why anyone would ever question capitalism, no matter how feral it gets. "What?! We found a wounded animal and we ate it."

When asked about wealth distribution and income inequality, Mitt said, "It's fine to talk about those things in quiet rooms." Quiet rooms? Why? It's a wealth gap, not anal warts.

No wonder he doesn't want to talk about it out loud. The most recent payroll data came in this week, and the median annual income for an American is $26,353 a year. Or, as Mitt calls it, a rounding error.

At one of the debates, Mitt said, "I won't try and define who's rich and who's not rich. I want everybody to be rich." Cue the morons in the audience clapping their hands like seals at a Sea World getting a bucket of chum.

Well, I can define who's rich and who's not. Who's rich is Mitt Romney. And who's not is someone making $26,000 a year. And the…

And the success or failure of his campaign will depend on his ability to convince someone making 26 grand a year that he, Mitt, a rich guy, knows how to make them rich, too. And if you elect him -- [whispering] -- "he'll tell you the secret."

It's not a political platform so much as a wealth seminar. This is the same thing that makes guys like Tony Robbins rich. They have a secret. But, the secret turns out to be that they're rich because they're robbing you!

And, somehow Americans are good with this. People who like Mitt Romney like him for the same reason other people like rappers, who endlessly rub it in that their life is so much better than ours.

They're in the hot tub at the after-party with the bling and the b***hes! And yet, no matter how clear Jay-Z makes it, that the hot tub is only for the coolest and most beautiful people, somehow when the song ends, that is us. The coolest and most beautiful people.

Yes, that's how Mitt Romney rolls. "Straight outta Salt Lake."

Get equity or die tryin'."

[slide of Romney with Bain partners] Is this picture really that much different than this one? [slide of rapper with cash and bling] Or this one? [another rapper] Or this one. [slide of Tupac with cash, flipping the bird]

As the girl who does my weave likes to say, "Don't hate."

And whatever you do, don't practice the politics of envy. Remember, Mitt knows the secret. Obama doesn't know the secret. As Mitt always says, he never even ran a corner store. He was a community organizer helping poor people. Blech. What would you rather do? Help poor people, or have money in your mouth?! [reprise of Romney and Bain partners photo]

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