New Rule: Someone has to tell Francesco Schettino that embracing a callous policy of "every man for himself" doesn't make you a sea captain. It makes you the Republican nominee.
New Rule: If the new guy at work shows up with a camera crew, you're on "Undercover Boss." Not to put too fine a point on it, but it's highly unlikely there's a documentary called "Fifty-Year-Old Guy in a Wig's First Day at Petco."
New Rule: Whoever built the Martin Luther King memorial has to knock it down and start over. Mention Dr. King and who doesn't think of a giant white man coming out of a rock? This doesn't make me think "I have a dream," it makes me think, "Release the Kraken."
New Rule: If you've purchase the Ostrich Nap Pillow, which is basically a padded sack you stick your head in to sleep at your desk, you can show the receipt instead of a passport to prove you're an American. Yes, the Ostrich Nap Pillow, because nothing reinforces a boss' confidence more than an employee looking like they have their head up a rectum.
New Rule: The NAACP must take Newt Gingrich up on his offer to stand in front of their convention and tell them why black people should want jobs instead of food stamps. This way I can finally answer a question that's been bugging me for years: can Newt Gingrich run?
New Rule: The Southern lady from the Food Network whose recipes all include a stick of butter, bacon, mayonnaise, cheese, sugar, donut holes, ground beef, stew meat, heavy cream and more bacon, doesn't have to tell us she has Type-2 diabetes because I flipped by your show once and saw what you were cooking, and now I have Type-2 diabetes.