New Rule: Politicians must find a better way to kill time onstage than gleefully pointing at no one in particular. Seriously, screw getting money out of politics, let's get rid of this. [slide of Romney pointing] Especially since now we know that this is the exact same face Mitt Romney makes when he's firing you.
New Rule: Iran must give up on trying to enrich uranium and concentrate on building better boats. If your unmet technological challenges include pirates and getting beyond the "Members Only" jacket -- [slide of Ahmadinejad] -- you should leave physics to countries with Jews.
New Rule: North Korea must stop making up bullsh** about their leaders. With Kim Jong-il, they said the first time he golfed, the scored eleven holes in one. And now they're saying Kim Jong-un was driving at the age of three, and by age eight was driving rally-style down dirt roads at 75 miles an hour. I mean, come on, I mean, eleven holes in one, that could happen. But, an Asian driver going over 45?! We kid. We kid all people.
New Rule: [slide of movie poster for "The Grey"] From now on, all of Liam Neeson's movies must be titled, "I'm Going to Hunt You Down and Kill You."
And finally, New Rule: North Korean women can stop sobbing. I'm back from vacation! And, actually, I'm the one who should be crying. When "Real Time" signed off for the year last November the Republican race was still a crazy free-for-all. And now it looks depressingly like for all of 2012, we'll only be talking about Mitt Romney. And no one has that many jokes about Mormons and plastic hair.
So, before we descend into the year of the "Mitt-Bot 6000" -- and as a service to those good Americans who refuse to get their news from any other source than "Real Time" -- let me recap the last couple of months.
Now, when we started our break, finding a Republican nominee for president was still like speed dating at a mega-church. And in early December, conservatives declared that Newt Gingrich was definitely going to be their man. And then they just faded away. So, now Newt knows what it's like to be one of his wives.
As a last-ditch effort to save his tanking campaign, Newt went to a campaign event in Iowa and began crying about his mother. It was the first time a news report about him ever used the word "blubber" as a verb.
Now, the other big political event that happened in December was there was a big fight in Washington over the payroll tax. After protecting hedge fund managers, oil companies and heiresses, Republicans proudly found a group they were willing to tax: employees. And somehow, Obama was the one fighting to lower taxes. And the insanely anti-tax House Republicans were the ones fighting to raise them. Because, no matter what the issue, the prime directive is they can never, ever agree with Obama. But, Democrats -- Democrats swelled with pride when the president put his foot down and told those Republicans, "It's your way or the highway!"
December also saw the end of the Iraq War. Yes, America actually ended a war. We ended a war and pulled our troops out. Somewhere, there's a Marine in Okinawa going, "Over here since 1945!"
Well, no sooner had we said goodbye to 2011, than it was back to politics with the Iowa Caucus on January 3rd, and the Republican base in Iowa -- or as I like to call them, the "Children of the Corn" -- ...making Mitt Romney the winner by a whopping eight votes. And the guy who almost beat him? Rick Santorum. Yes, even Rick Santorum got a turn to be "queen for a day" in the Republican Party. A description he would totally not appreciate.
My theory is that anyone as homophobic as Rick, is gay. But, then again, no gay man would ever be caught wearing a sweater-vest.
And when the campaign went up to New Hampshire, Rick found out no one really likes him. Not even Jesus. When Jesus sees Rick in the hallway, he pretends he's getting something out of his locker.
And, so there you have it. It's still probably Mitt Romney, a man who pursued this nomination with the single-minded viciousness of an autistic Rottweiler. And who is not going to let little details like the fact that conservatives loathe him stand in the way. Republicans have tried on every pair of pants in the store: Trump, Bachmann, Perry, Cain, Gingrich, Santorum...and they keep finding out that "Not Romney" is an even bigger a**hole than Romney.
And at the end of the day, Mitt Romney seems the most presidential of all. And by "most presidential," I mean, he won't show up at the swearing-in ceremony carrying a rifle and a Geiger counter.
With Kim Jong-il, they said the first time he golfed, he scored eleven holes in one. And now they're saying Kim Jong-un was driving at the age of three, and by age eight was driving rally-style down dirt roads at 75 miles an hour. I mean, come on, I mean, eleven holes in one, that could happen. But, an Asian driver going over 45?!
January 13, 2012