New Rule: Politicians must find a better way to kill time onstage than gleefully pointing at no one in particular. Seriously, screw getting money out of politics, let's get rid of this. [slide of Romney pointing] Especially since now we know that this is the exact same face Mitt Romney makes when he's firing you.
New Rule: Iran must give up on trying to enrich uranium and concentrate on building better boats. If your unmet technological challenges include pirates and getting beyond the "Members Only" jacket -- [slide of Ahmadinejad] -- you should leave physics to countries with Jews.
New Rule: North Korea must stop making up bullsh** about their leaders. With Kim Jong-il, they said the first time he golfed, the scored eleven holes in one. And now they're saying Kim Jong-un was driving at the age of three, and by age eight was driving rally-style down dirt roads at 75 miles an hour. I mean, come on, I mean, eleven holes in one, that could happen. But, an Asian driver going over 45?! We kid. We kid all people.
New Rule: [slide of movie poster for "The Grey"] From now on, all of Liam Neeson's movies must be titled, "I'm Going to Hunt You Down and Kill You."