New Rule: Someone has to tell sexual harassment plaintiffs that there are other choices besides Gloria Allred. Like, say, an actual vulture.
New Rule: Any teacher who says, "I learn as much from my students as they learn from me," is a s***ty teacher and must be fired.
New Rule: Now that Dr. Conrad Murray has been found guilty, he must be sent to that Philippine prison where they make the inmates dance to "Thriller."
New Rule: Now that "19 Kids and Counting's" Michelle Duggar is pregnant with her 20th child, the Duggar family must move into a shoe. And someone has to tell Mrs. Duggar, it's a vagina, not a water slide. Admit it, if you've been constantly pregnant for the past two decades, it's not the children you love, it's the epidural.
New Rule: Don't write your political opinions on the bathroom stall. Or, if you absolutely must, at least practice good penmanship. These New Rules don't write themselves. [slide of Maher's new book] And there's my book that comes out next week. Chris, it's going to be fighting yours for the bestseller list. And I will be signing these books at the Grove here next Thursday at seven o'clock. And I'll be in New York, Monday, on the 14th, at the Barnes and Noble in Tribeca and the Barnes and Noble here.