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New Rules

New Rule: Someone has to tell sexual harassment plaintiffs that there are other choices besides Gloria Allred. Like, say, an actual vulture.

New Rule: Any teacher who says, "I learn as much from my students as they learn from me," is a s***ty teacher and must be fired.

New Rule: Now that Dr. Conrad Murray has been found guilty, he must be sent to that Philippine prison where they make the inmates dance to "Thriller."

New Rule: Now that "19 Kids and Counting's" Michelle Duggar is pregnant with her 20th child, the Duggar family must move into a shoe. And someone has to tell Mrs. Duggar, it's a vagina, not a water slide. Admit it, if you've been constantly pregnant for the past two decades, it's not the children you love, it's the epidural.

New Rule: Don't write your political opinions on the bathroom stall. Or, if you absolutely must, at least practice good penmanship. These New Rules don't write themselves. [slide of Maher's new book] And there's my book that comes out next week. Chris, it's going to be fighting yours for the bestseller list. And I will be signing these books at the Grove here next Thursday at seven o'clock. And I'll be in New York, Monday, on the 14th, at the Barnes and Noble in Tribeca and the Barnes and Noble here.

All right, and finally, since it's our last show before the holidays, New Rule: Someone needs to explain to the Republicans that Ebenezer Scrooge is supposed to be the bad guy.

And before conservatives start whining about another "war on Christmas," they must admit they hate everything about Christmas. Because, brotherhood, good will toward men, and especially charity make their skin crawl.

Now, this week, Michele Bachmann - Michele Bachmann proposed cutting huge holes in the federal safety net, demonstrating a total misunderstanding of the concept of a net. Here's what she said:

"Self-reliance means if anyone will not work, neither should he eat."

Merry Christmas to you, too, crazy lady. Yeah, that's the first thing I think whenever self-reliance comes up: punishment by starvation. Honestly, who can hear that statement and not think of Scrooge, who, in A Christmas Carol, suggests that if the poor don't want to go to the workhouse, they should get on with dying as a service to population control.

Now, if Herman Cain said that at a Republican debate, he would get a standing ovation. And, say what you want about Ebenezer Scrooge, he never shoved Bob Cratchit's head into his groin and said, "Look, you want Christmas off or not?"

Newt Gingrich refers to Obama as the "food stamp president" because Obama doesn't want children to starve to death - f***in' commie.

Mitt Romney says we should let all the people about to lose their homes, lose them. And they can just become renters. "Ownership society" meet "no pets, no waterbeds." Mitt said the same thing a few years ago when the automobile industry was tottering. "Let it die." I find it ironic that Republicans have such disdain for the lazy, and yet their solution to every problem is, do nothing.

Their answer to wealth inequality? Do nothing. Healthcare? Do nothing. Climate change? Nothing. Racism? Doesn't exist. For a group of people so head-over-heels in love with self-reliance, they sure do recommend a lot of sitting on their a**.

If A Christmas Carol was performed by the "Tea Party Dramatic Society," it would be a cautionary tale about how the hero, Scrooge, a "blameless job creator" is turned into a socialist through the corrupting influence of Tiny Tim. And the play would end with a simple plaintive question from Mr. Scrooge: "Just how much of my wealth does Mr. Tim think he's entitled to?"

And that is the great Republican fallacy of this election, that our economic problems are due, not to Wall Street's gambling, but because too many Americans are lazy. But, there are 16 million unemployed, and we only created 80,000 jobs last month. The problem isn't laziness, it's math.

But, this is where the Republican Party is now: in favor of people dying because they don't have health insurance; in favor of letting people go unfed if they won't work. And if they want to work, but are Mexicans, in favor of putting up a fence that electrocutes them.

Even Scrooge is thinking, "Look, I hate the poor, but I'm not a f***in' psychopath."

But, that's where this party is. It simply has no bottom. Except Marcus Bachmann. He's a bottom.

I find it ironic that Republicans have such disdain for the lazy, and yet their solution to every problem is, do nothing. Their answer to wealth inequality? Do nothing. Healthcare? Do nothing. Climate change? Nothing. Racism? Doesn't exist.

Episode 232

November 11, 2011