Episode 231

November 4, 2011


On Herman Cain:

"I have a lot of Herman Cain jokes, but I can't do them. I am bound by a confidentiality agreement." -Bill Maher

"Herman Cain...is not a practiced politician. He's not professional. And he proves it every day." -Bill Maher

"I would like to report that the sexual harassment allegations have caused Republicans to have to find another completely unqualified, token black man. But, that's not what happened." -Bill Maher

"Some Godfather's Pizza customers said they found it odd that he would tell them to ‘hold the sausage.'" -Bill Maher

"I have been covering scandals on television for almost 20 years. I've seen a lot of them come and go...I've never seen somebody who had a scandal, and then went up in the polls." -Bill Maher

"[Cain] is someone that has, like, the Bazooka Joe school of domestic policy, which is like funny zingers wrapped around a bubblegum center." -Alex Wagner

"That's the real scandal, is that he's dumb. It's not the sex. It's the ‘dumb.'" -Bill Maher

"Cain, I enjoy the way he talks...I do like the fact that he doesn't speak in political terms." -Bill Engvall

On Delaware:

"I think, like, half the publicly-traded corporations in America are registered in Delaware, even though there's really no one in the office except a monkey and a fax machine." -Bill Maher

"I'm the attorney general of a little state called Delaware, and I focused on MERS, which is a Delaware corporation, as I said, that has 50 employees who are in charge of trying to keep track of 30 million mortgages in America. Fifty people keeping track of 30 million. You ask yourself why we have a foreclosure crisis. It begins there." -Beau Biden

"This is something new in politics, where Wall Street was sort of betting on things to fail, as opposed to for things to succeed." -Bill Maher

"It's ridiculous that Delaware, with 900,000 people, should get two senators, and so should California, which has 36 million people." -Bill Maher

"I don't think we need to monkey with the Constitution. I don't think we need to monkey with the electoral college." -Beau Biden

On The Republican Field:

"I'm for [Mitt Romney], too. I mean, as far as Republicans go. Because, at least he eats with a knife and fork, compared to the rest of the people in that field." -Bill Maher

"I don't think people really delve into candidates...they don't really look deep into what they're voting for." -Bill Engvall

On Partisan Politics:

"Obama wanted to pass his jobs bill several months ago...First it was, ‘Pass this bill!' Remember that? Then it was, ‘We can't wait!' Now, it's, ‘For fuck's sake!'" -Bill Maher

"Congress is an amorphous figure. Everyone hates it, but they like their congressman, which is why you don't see much change in the bi-annual elections." -Gov. David Patterson

"I understand why the one percent, the richest one percent, vote for the Republicans. I don't understand why anybody else does. I really don't." -Bill Maher

"I think that, while we've got all these little, peripheral issues that have their own importance, I think the general consensus in this country is, ‘Give me a job and let me provide for my family.'" -Bill Engvall

On Being Rich In America:

"It's a total fluke, what makes you rich in this country." -Bill Maher

"If you and I, either one of us, did not learn when we were very young, to tell jokes, we wouldn't have any money." -Bill Maher, to Bill Engvall

"The difference between the Koch brothers and George Soros is that George Soros advocates against his economic interests." -Bill Maher

On Pot:

"Well, medical marijuana, I think, is something where red and blue America agree." -Bill Maher

"I honestly don't believe that marijuana is any worse than a kid sitting around doing shots of Jagermeister or tequila." -Bill Engvall


"There are a lot of criticisms of Occupy Wall Street. They may not really have leaders. They may not really understand the relationship they have to have with the same community that they're trying to represent. The reason I think this is happening is that nobody has protested anything in this country for 30 years." -Gov. David Patterson

"There is a sense of disenfranchisement in this country that is palpable. And I think it's - it's only right that people are taking to the streets to protest that." -Alex Wagner

"Revolutions don't come because there's injustice. They begin with hope." -Gov. David Patterson

On The Second Amendment:

"In the grand scheme of the rights that we have: right of assembly, free speech...owning a gun does not tally on the same level as those other Constitutional rights we're given." -Alex Wagner

"My belief is if we take away that right to bear arms, the only people who are going to have the arms are the people who are going to be the ones breaking into your house." -Bill Engvall

"I don't believe there's any reason for a person like myself to own an AK-47...it's not used for hunting; it would ruin any of the meat..." -Bill Engvall

"We have a problem in America, which is that we misunderstand, quite frankly, what the Second Amendment is for. It's for law-abiding citizens to have a right, both to protect themselves and to be protected from living under tyranny." -Darrell Issa

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